Hello Dragonfly. I can't give you any good advice, other than you may want to talk to your pdoc about it. When my mind races it's a pretty good indicator that I'm a bit manic
I don't shake people when I get really upset, but I have punched a few fridges in my day when really frustrated/anxious/mixed states/manic and/or shot my mouth off when I shouldn't have.
Nowadays when I start getting a bit manic I start taking inventory. What's changed in my life, are my meds different, are my stresses more, am I lacking sleep and the list goes on.
While I do need meds I can also help to control my moods some by figuring out what is causing my change in mood. In your case, it may be a change in med and perhaps you need something different to replace the lithium. You definitely are not getting a quality sleep and perhaps you and your pdoc can address that problem too. I'm currently discussing the same sleep problem with my pdoc and looking for solutions.
You have been under a lot of stress lately. First you lost your husband, then you had to learn how to live without him as he was a great support. Those are two huge stressors that don't go away quickly. Plus I'm sure that you have had a lot of other stress in your life lately. Once again, perhaps your pdoc or a counsellor can help.
You have mentioned that your son has been bringing his work home with him. Unfortunately many people do this and it's a leading cause of divorce. However you cannot do or say anything to your son that will make him change his mind about his job.All you can do is be there for him and offer advice if and when he wants it
He probably hates his job, but won't leave it because of how much money he makes and that is his right. However all you can do is be there for him and realize that he probably feels caught. He cant quit his job, because he can't find another one that pays as much and he can't take a lessor paying job as he probably feels he needs all that he makes to support his family. I'm just guessing here, but it is common.
We all worry about our children, but sometimes we have to let them make their own mistakes. I know that at times I would like to shake my son, and that if I'm not careful I can end up worrying too much about him and all that does is make me sick.
If anyone thinks I preaching or got it all figured out, please refer to my dented fridge remarks.
So don't be embarrassed anymore. You were embarrassed shortly after it happened, you've apologized for your actions and that is all that you can do. You can't change the past. Believe me I've done more than a few embarrassing things and if we could change the past, I would have.
However you can look at your future in a more positive light. Your son doesn't appear upset with you, you can take stock of all the stressors in your life and try to eliminate some of them(you will never eliminate them all) and you can talk to your pdoc. Especially stress, bad dreams and getting a good nights sleep.
Remember you are a good person and even good people have problems. Those of with bipolar have a few more problems. Personanally I don't think that you are capable of doing much harm to people. You had an uncharacteristic episode brought on by a variety of factors and you are smart enough to be worried and embarrassed about it. If you were neither worried nor embarrassed then that would be a different situation. Take Care. paul m