very upset by my granddaughter yelling at me

[Dragonfly]

As some of you know my son is separated from his wife and living with me. The kids were at my house for a few hours with my son and I.

I did something that my granddaughter wasn't happy about. I didn't do anything bad. It was to help her and her brother. She started yelling at me in a very disrespectable voice. My son told her to apologize to me. She wouldn't and my son sent her up to her room that she has when she stays with us. My granddaughter sounded just like her Mother. My son realized this too. He doesn't know what to do about this disrespect. It really hurt me. My granddaughter is going through a lot right now. It is scary that she is copying how her Mother disrepects people.

Anyone got any insight into this.

Dragonfly

[GrizzlyMantooth]

children act out in lots of different ways when coping with new things in life. If it were me I would try to step back and realize it's not meant as a personal attack. which would admittedly be hard for me since I over-personalize everything so I understand your frustration. hope the waves pass over and the tide tomorrow is anew for you.

[Dragonfly]

Thank you GrizzlyMantooth,

It makes sense what you said. The poor kid is having a hard time. Next time I will tell her not to speak to me like that as it is disrespectful and hurts me. I will tell her that I still love her. Then I will leave it at that.
I do tend to ruminate about so many things.

Hope you are doing well.

Dragonfly

[GrizzlyMantooth]

I'm glad it helped. yeah ruminating is our own worst enemy...and that's all you can really do is show her how it feels from your perspective, empathy and moral understanding takes time to learn. Having good role models like you can only help!

[paulm]

Hello Dragonfly.  In my day if I had talked disrespectively to some one older I would have got a cuff off of the ear at the very least, even if I had been right. Of course, as my son's remind me, dinosaurs are now extinct and I must upgrade my viewpoints, or at least my methods.

 However I still don't take disrespect, I just don't cuff anyone's ear LOL.

 Nothing wrong with you being upset and nothing wrong with the way your son handled the situation. However the child has now been punished and the point has been made that she cannot talk to her Grandmother that way. To force an apology at this point probably won't help any.  Your idea of " telling her that it is disrespectful and that it hurts you" is a good way to go.  Take Care. paul m

 I will offer every one a bit of advice and maybe nobody reading this does this sort of thing, but here it is.  Never ever mention in the presence of a young child (or their siblings) how much they are like someone unless you really like that person.  Children tend to be sensitive and when someone said to me "oh you are just like whomever" , I tended to react negatively. First, when young, I couldn't see that person's flaws and the "whomever " was someone I loved and I didn't like being told they weren't good. Plus if they weren't good and I was just like them, that meant that the person saying that thought that I was no good too.  Both items tended to give me anxieties and more than a little of a rebellious attitude.  Plus it tended to leave me stuck in the middle of two adults opposing opinion and that isn't good for a child either.

[Peace]

Hi Dragonfly 

After my parents separated I did some things that were pretty bad now I look back on them. I can see the reason was because of the separation and my family going in separate directions. A family of 6 living together to 2 of my siblings going on their own, my brother going with my dad, and me going with my mom. We kids slipped through the cracks. I was acting out and looking for attention.

As mentioned, this is a very difficult time for your grandchildren, and it will continue to be for some time. They need some solids in their lives because their home life as they knew it has been shattered. I can tell you're very loving towards them and they're very lucky to have you.

I think it's important they have some discipline in their lives. A huge mistake is to let them get away with things out of feeling bad for them for the situation they did not create (the separation). The therapy I've been in has suggested disciplining kids by taking away a privilege, such as their cell phone or something else if they don't have one, depending on what they did. If it's minor a simple talk when both of you are rational about what happened and emotions don't play into the conversation. Taking a privilege away if it's serious enough. Grounding if it's something more serious. I also think it's important that you and your son agree on how to handle these situations so they have consistency.

I didn't have anyone as a young teen to take me clothes shopping or to get my haircut. I cut my hair on my own (very badly) and wore my step-moms clothes infrequently. Her daughter saw me in them one day and I was scolded to the point that I moved back in with my mom. You and your son need to try to pay attention to your grandchildren's needs. Such things as are they seeing the doctor and dentist. Do they need a haircut or to be taken shopping for clothes and school supplies. Are they being given the chance to spend time with friends.

I know you're an amazing grandmother and the potential is there for you to be your grandchildren's confidant, which they really need. Also consider them having some form of therapy so they can talk out their feeling about the separation and maybe get into groups with other kids experiencing the same things.

Good luck!

Peace

[GrizzlyMantooth]

yes structure is important for a child but consistency in reinforcement of discipline is also needed for it to be effective, ideally your son is acting as disciplinarian and not you. perhaps suggest to your son to try and have a conversation with is ex about setting some common ground there. If she is resentful towards you it may fall on deaf ears so perhaps getting your son not to specify who the bad behavior is being directed towards may help that conversation move forward.

[Dragonfly]

Hi everyone,

Thank you for your support and giving me ideas on how to handle this situation. It is much appreciated.

My son is a very good father. I am not saying that just because he is my son. He plays with the kids, makes them laugh, goes camping with them, buys clothes for them, does homework with them, etc. In other words spends quality time with them. The kids adore their two aunties and likewise. They do many fun things with them and me also. When my son has them and they have to go home to their mother the kids want to stay with us.

Paul I agree with you that we shouldn't say my granddaughter is just like her mother. Especially not in front of the child. She may act like her mother. That doesn't mean she is like her mother.

I will discipline the kids when need be as will my son. I just ruminate about it too much after I have done it.

I would like to talk to the kids about how they are handling this separation of father and mother. I know I have to be very careful as to how I do it.

Dragonfly

[GrizzlyMantooth]

sounds good, I'm sure they will grow up to be stand up people with the kind of support and care they have. not to worry!

[momfellinglost]

 My son is going through something similar. This is the advise I gave him. The kids love both families and no matter what they say they love you. You have to make your home a safe place. Not a place to do what ever or say what ever they want. Disipline is a part of home. When my sons father and I separated years ago I made the policy that no one would be allowed to say anything neg about him. Not because he was a great person but because he was my childs other parent and my child neither choose his parent nor chose for us to divorce. If he ended up being a jerk my son would figure that out on his own but he wouldn't hear it from me.
 They will test you and your son to see if you still love them and if you are going to go away. You don't know what kinds of things they are hearing at their other home and may be having a hard time expressing themselves to either you or your son. Things are changing and I am sure they are scared and angry. Not sure how old they are but your son may need to ask that the kids have some help either alone or with both parents involved. It will get better but it may get worse before it does. Try and create the rules for the house and maybe have a talk with her about how it makes you feel. Make sure you tell her that you love her and that will not change but in the house we don't talk to each other like that.