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Messages - paulm

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General Discussion / Touched by Fire
« on: November 20, 2014, 09:40:57 am »
Hello Everyone. The Touched by Fire art show(an MDAO initiative) is coming up on Dec3rd. I don't think I'm going to be able to make it, but it is usually a good show. for more details   

 Entrance is free, but they do ask for a donation 
  Take Care. paul m

General Discussion / Re: Another MDAO comedy show.....
« on: November 20, 2014, 09:36:34 am »
Hello Peter I can't make it, but for anyone who can the shows are usually pretty good, actually great. Take Care. paul m

General Discussion / Re: Anxious......then.....
« on: November 20, 2014, 09:32:21 am »
Hello Peter. I'm glad that you found something that worked. If I wake up at 5am and try to mediate, I just fall back asleep.

 However as has been said, thx for sharing. Tak Care. paul m

General Discussion / Re: I am so ashamed of myself
« on: November 13, 2014, 11:36:34 pm »
Hello Dragonfly. Unfortunately my mother was like your husband and passed too soon,her passing was  probably caused by second hand smoke as she was not a smoker and she died of lung cancer.

 However my mother was a good lady, just a little misguided by her old fashion beliefs about a mental illness. Plus as you have heard me say here many times before my wife is a wonderful person. I've never met anyone who doesn't like her.  Not that my wife tries to be liked, she just has that special mix of qualities that allows her to get along with everyone. (I wish I did). So it was easy for my mother to like my wife and wonder at times what kind of monster she had given birth too. Especially during those really dark years when I was constantly bad tempered and spent every penny we had and a few that didn't belong to me.

 So in hindsight it was easy for my mother to side with my wife. It wasn't the right course of action on her part and it caused a lot of problems, but hindsight is 20-20

 The proper course of action would have been to either go with me to the psychiatrist or encourage my wife to go with me to see the doctor and to tell him what my real symptoms were. I can't speak for anyone else, but when I was manic I had a certain tendency to lie to my doctor.

 She could have also told my wife that something had to be seriously wrong as I hadn't been that way all of my life(my wife could have realized that too) But again hindsight is 20-20. Plus we are talking the 90's here and even the doctor didn't realize that by giving me anti depressants he kept on a drug induced manic episode that lasted a few yrs. So would the doctor have admitted that he was making a mistake?

 I'm glad that you are feeling better and I wish you luck with your son and your grandchildren as I know that you love them all dearly and that you just want what is best for them. Take Care. paul m





General Discussion / Re: mania/depression, money and how would you feel?
« on: November 13, 2014, 10:44:59 pm »
Hello Jenn. I agree with Dragonfly, your spouse is not better than you, my spouse is not better than me. (although she is nicer). We each have our attributes.

 When it comes to some items, in our budget my spouse does ask my opinion as I am a whizz at basic math and can spot whether a sale item is really on sale or not(not that a big box store would ever intentionally mislead us by using confusing non standard sizes etc LOL). I'm not so good at deciding whether we really need things or not and can be justly acussed of purchasing things on a whim, especially when lightly manic. Take Care. paul m

General Discussion / Re: mania/depression, money and how would you feel?
« on: November 11, 2014, 12:48:59 am »
Hello Jenn. Every couple has to have their own rules and I'm not saying what worked for me , will work for you. 

 My view of my spending habits and what was essential when I was without income was drastically different from my spouses. This lead to many arguments

 One of her conditions for her staying with me during those difficult yrs was that she handle all of the finances, which meant closing my bank acct and giving her my charge cards. I didn't like that at the time.

 It worked out really well. I no longer spent money on items that weren't absolutely essential and that meant I didn't feel guilty when the charge card bill came in or the bank statement.  It also meant my wife (who was working at two jobs at the time) didn't have unexpected surprises.

 Less stress for me, less stress for her. It turned out to be win win situation.  We still had a few arguments about how much money I should have every week, but eventually that all worked itself out.

 Plus it had the added benefit of forcing us both to discuss our finances and decide where the money would go. Take Care. paul m


General Discussion / Re: I am so ashamed of myself
« on: November 10, 2014, 12:04:43 am »
Hello Dragonfly. Your son is lucky to have you. When my illness was causing my wife and I great problems, my mother always sided with my wife, as did most of my relatives.

 Unfortunately when siding with one person or the other sometimes well intentioned people can make problems worse. Especially when they haven't heard the other half of the story.

 I'm like you and I listen to my son, but I won't take sides.

 In regards to his kids.  Kids aren't stupid and most are quite clever, but they have little wisdom. So they tend to listen and come to the wrong conclusions or talk to other kids at school and receive bad information. However if an adult takes the time to explain about illnesses, marriages, stresses on the job etc in a way they can understand, children are pretty at soaking in the good info.

 I hope that you feel better soon. Take Care. paul m

General Discussion / Re: Started taking Lipitor, cholesterol medication...
« on: November 09, 2014, 11:36:19 pm »
Hello Peter. I know nothing about gall bladders, but wouldn't doing an MRI help make the diagnosis?

 Anyways I hope they find out what is wrong soon as being in pain and having to go to the ER is never pleasant. Good Luck. Take Care. paul m

General Discussion / Re: I am so ashamed of myself
« on: November 06, 2014, 03:31:28 am »
Hello Dragonfly. I can't give you any good advice, other than you may want to talk to your pdoc about it. When my mind races it's a pretty good indicator that I'm a bit manic

 I don't shake people when I get really upset, but I have punched a few fridges in my day when really frustrated/anxious/mixed states/manic and/or shot my mouth off when I shouldn't have.

 Nowadays when I start getting a bit manic I start taking inventory. What's changed in my life, are my meds different, are my stresses more, am I lacking sleep and the list goes on.

 While I do need meds I can also help to control my moods some by figuring out what is causing my change in mood. In your case, it may be a change in med and perhaps you need something different to replace the lithium. You definitely are not getting a quality sleep and perhaps you and your pdoc can address that problem too. I'm currently discussing the same sleep problem with my pdoc and looking for solutions.

 You have been under a lot of stress lately. First you lost your husband, then you had to learn how to live without him as he was a great support. Those are two huge stressors that don't go away quickly. Plus I'm sure that you have had a lot of other stress in your life lately. Once again, perhaps your pdoc or a counsellor can help.

 You have mentioned that your son has been bringing his work home with him. Unfortunately many people do this and it's a leading cause of divorce. However you cannot do or say anything to your son that will make him change his mind about his job.All you can do is be there for him and offer advice if and when he wants it

 He probably hates his job, but won't leave it because of how much money he makes and that is his right. However all you can do is be there for him and realize that he probably feels caught. He cant quit his job, because he can't find another one that pays as much and he can't take a lessor paying job as he probably feels he needs all that he makes to support his family. I'm just guessing here, but it is common.

 We all worry about our children, but sometimes we have to let them make their own mistakes. I know that at times I would like to shake my son, and that if I'm not careful I can end up worrying too much about him and all that does is make me sick.

  If anyone thinks I preaching or got it all figured out, please refer to my dented fridge remarks. 

 So don't be embarrassed anymore. You were embarrassed shortly after it happened, you've apologized for your actions and that is all that you can do. You can't change the past. Believe me I've done more than a few embarrassing things and if we could change the past, I would have.

 However you can look at your future in a more positive light. Your son doesn't appear upset with you, you can take stock of all the stressors in your life and try to eliminate some of them(you will never eliminate them all) and you can talk to your pdoc.  Especially stress, bad dreams and getting a good nights sleep.

 Remember you are a good person and even good people have problems. Those of with bipolar have a few more problems. Personanally I don't think that you are capable of doing much harm to people. You had an uncharacteristic episode brought on by a variety of factors and you are smart enough to be worried and embarrassed about it. If you were neither worried nor embarrassed then that would be a different situation. Take Care. paul m

General Discussion / Re: winter blues
« on: November 04, 2014, 02:51:49 am »
Hello Everyone. Count me in too. This fall has started me early due to the exceptional # of cloudy and rainy days. I know that if I got out and exercised more I would feel better, but I've been doing the couch potato act and that's not good for me.

 However this forum is a reminder that I may have to force myself to bundle up and walk and/or get out skating etc. Take Care. paul m

General Discussion / Re: Latuda starting tomorrow
« on: November 04, 2014, 02:47:37 am »
Hello Jenn. When you said "  - he may not know it but the guilt he causes me to feel whether intentional or not - feel like I should just leave the relationship sometimes ".

 I can understand your feelings. I've had the same feelings a fair number of times(guilt and thinking I should leave). I don't know you or your fiance, but I'm glad that I stayed with my spouse( and that she allowed me to stay LOL). However as understanding as my spouse is, sometimes the frustration of my having bipolar does boil over into the occasional unpleasant argument.

Fortunately we don't have those arguments very often anymore, but it took at lot of work to get to this point. BTW, nothing here should be taken as a criticism, they are just my own views, gained through my own life experiences..

  I can only say that bipolar is a difficult illness to have and sometimes it's difficult for my spouse to live with someone who has bipolar.

 Of course that's just speaking for myself, I know that all of you other people who have bipolar are wonderful people who would never cause anyone a moment of anxiety LOL.

 However I understand the guilt that bipolar causes all to well. It shouldn't as bipolar is a legitimate illness and we are mostly good people with a bad illness, not bad people with inventive excuses.

 But as you and I and many people with bipolar know we all suffer enough guilt on our own and we don't need someone reminding us of bad things that may have happened or good things that didn't happen because of our illness. Take Care. paul m.   

General Discussion / Re: Latuda starting tomorrow
« on: November 02, 2014, 10:42:48 pm »
Hello Jenny. Good Luck with i? Any reason why the doc decided to try abilify instead? Take Care. paul m

Depression and Bipolar / Bipolar 1 studies and mixed states
« on: October 30, 2014, 08:18:19 pm »
Hello Everyone. I came across a couple of interesting articles dealing with bipolar. One was a study and the other was an article. When I read study I was tempted to be sarcastic and say " No Sh*T, Sherlock, great detective work, did it take you long to discover the obvious " because to me they were just stating the obvious.

 However after some reflection it is good to see that at least somebody is talking about mixed states, because in my experience it is a rare doctor who mentions it to a patient, yet it makes bipolar harder to diagnose and to treat.

  Both of these articles came out of BP Hope magazine (a great magazine). I am passing them on to you as they may a difference in your understanding of your illness and what is required to treat it.

 The IMPACT study had this to say about people who have bipolar 1

"People with bipolar I disorder rarely experience symptom free periods. Between the severe mood episodes, people with bipolar I disorder often have residual symptoms, which contributes to impaired functioning."

 I can vouch for that. I don't know how many times that I have been asked "I'm not manic or depressed, how come when I try to return to work, I seem to be unable to function? My only answer is, your brain needs time to rest and recover.

 The study also advises "While there is no cure for bipolar I disorder, it is a treatable condition. Treatment often includes a combination of medications and psychotherapy, support and education".

 Again it's nice to see a study come up with the fact that it takes a lot more than swallowing pills to make you better.

 The IMPACT study is surprisingly accurate and interesting. In one part they found that in Canada it took over 5 yrs for 31% of the people top be diagnosed and another 32% took 1-5 yrs. Considering the degree of illness that has person has with bipolar 1, those percentages are extremely high and I often wonder how so many doctors can miss the diagnosis.  Give it a read, the whole study is interesting

 In the same issue Roger McIntyre, MD, FRCPC writes a great article on mixed states and that produce anxiety, irritability etc etc. He advises "should my treatment be different if I have episodes with mixed symptoms? In a word, yes."

 He then goes on to explain why.   Dr. McIntryre is a great doc who has long been a mega phone for change in the way people with bipolar should be treated.  (medically wise)
Take Care. paul m

Hello Peter. Isn't getting old wonderful LOL. We get to know a lot more about what parts USED to work well. Good Luck with gall bladder. Take Care. paul m

General Discussion / Re: Check In
« on: October 27, 2014, 11:17:51 pm »
Hello Everyone. It's good to see so many familiar names.

 To Peace. Family feuding is hard, I hope that you find a way to bring peace better than I and my family did. (I ignore most of them,and they ignore me). Actually it works quite well, until someone asks my how so and so is doing and I haven't a clue. Trying to balance every day problems(drive children to and from work, medical problems, finances etc) can be a real chore. Good Luck with everything.

 To  NeitherHereNorThere. I'm not a doc or medically trained, but this is what works for me, In regards to seroquel and any antipyschotic med in general. I do not like the extended release versions. When ever I have to take seroquel (doesn't happen often, but it does stop serious mood swings quickly for me) , I take as many as 4 doses a day. I prefer the smaller amounts at a time and it gives me much more control over how I'm going to feel. For example if I was to take 200 mg(a common dose for me) I would take 25mg in the morning, 25 at noon, 50 at 5pm and the last 100 at about 7pm that way during the peak of my day I have little in my system and when I need to sleep I have a lot.  Seroquel regular release tablets can be split.  But it may be that seroquel is just not the med for you.

 There are a lot of antipsychotics on the market Seroquel worked best or me and I tried about 5 or 6 , but it's not for everyone.It doesn't even work well for some people. Talk to your doctor and pharmacist(the pharmacist may know more) about whats available. The latest one is Lurasidone (Latuda)  It's the latest "miracle Drug"  and I use the term mockingly, because when they are first released they are all "miracle Drugs"  you can find out more at  . 

Hello LuckyLou. I haven't moved in yrs, mainly because I hate moving. Good Luck with your move.

Hello Rich. People are allowed to tell good stories on here too, it gives other people hope. Plus I miss your friendly and cheerful posts.  You would be doing us all a favour by posting more frequently.As well it's not like you haven't been through hard times yourself.

 Hello Dragonfly. I'm sure that you miss your husband very much. I won't try and say that I can even begin to understand your loss. I wouldn't know what to do without my wife. In regards to your mind racing, if I'm a little hypomanic or in some sort of mixed state, one of the first things that occurs is that my mind starts to flip through thoughts very quickly. It doesn't mean that I'm heading for a full blown manic episode, it's just a first indicator that all is not right. I then examine my life style, meds, relaxation techniques, known stressor and see if anything has changed. For me lately, usually it's my stress levels that I have let get a little lose. Lack of sleep will usually start my mind racing, but then it's hard to sleep with your mind racing LOL. Being forced into certain social situations can also be a real stressor for me.
 How am I doing? Depends on ones measuring stick, compared to 10 yrs ago I'm wonderful, compared to a normal healthly person, well not so wonderful. However I am happy and learning to live with my assorted disabilities. Take Care. paul m

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