My clean ones!
I love getting the audience to ask "how tough or how long" or whatever.New Jokes for Christmas Show 2014 Peter BesselSET UP: My psychiatrist said I should be more spontaneous.
PUNCH: So I slapped him in the face and called him a salamander.
SET UP: I was asked to leave the MDAO support group.
PUNCH: I guess bitch slapping isn’t really providing support.
SET UP: My psychiatrist can be a little abrupt.
PUNCH: I asked him: “Why I am worrying so much?”
He replies: “Do I look like a f mindreader?”
SET UP: I hate jokes with no punch line.
PUNCH:
SET UP: I got my testosterone blood test results.
“Well, how is it?”
PUNCH: Your testosterone is pretty low, Priscilla....I mean Peter!
SET UP: I went to Medic Alert...told them all my problems.....can you made a bracelet for me?
PUNCH: They said a bracelet isn’t big enough....they made me a breastplate I were on my chest.
SET UP: I was so depressed.....
PUNCH: I thought watching executions on the North Korean Channel would cheer me up!
SET UP: My father said I was lazy and no good.....and a cry baby!
PUNCH: This is when I was three weeks old!
SET UP: I was a breech baby, but sideways...
PUNCH: You know how men are about asking directions.
PUNCH: I like scaring my cat.....
SETUP: by doing a vacuum cleaner impression.
SET UP: I’ve read a couple of times that your ears and nose continue to grow as you get older.
PUNCH: I didn’t always look like a giant rat! The other day I’m walking down the street and a gang of
tough cats walked in my direction. They were really tough. (audience: how tough?) Some of them had
tattoos, like “F your Litterbox!” “Dogs drool, cats rule.” They were really tough (audience: how tough?)
Some of them had metal studs in their tails. They were really tough. (audience: how tough?) They didn’t
meow like this: “meow....meow” They meowed like this: “f meow....f meow.” The leader had scars and a black patch over his eye.
The leader: (high pitched voice) – “Lookit the size of that rat.....let’s get him, boys!”
I was scared shitless, but quick thinking: I yelled loudly “Here, rover!”....they took off, looking over their shoulders at me.....what a close call!
SET UP: I was so mad when a fellow patient stole my lunch......
PUNCH: It was (my usual?) 3 Prozac sliders.
SET UP: Growing old is the pits……
PUNCH: The only person I could possibly date is Betty White’s older sister. Her name’s Wrinkleinna. Near sighted people at the supermarket mistake her for a prune.
SET UP: I’d make a good family therapist....
PUNCH: Because of life experiences: I’ve been married 6 times...2 of those were to guys....one of those was to a burro in Mexico...one of those was to Anne Murray.
SET UP: Growing older is the pits because.......
PUNCH: ....................................
SETUP: I’m trying a new antidepressant....works great!
PUNCH: It’s called “Breaking Sad.”
SETUP: When I was a kid, the other kids made fun of my braces.....
PUNCH: The braces on my head.....
..
SETUP: When I was a kid, the other kids made fun of my Medic Alert bracelet....
PUNCH: The one stapled to my forehead.
SET UP: When I was in school, my nickname was “cave boy.”
PUNCH: That’s how long ago I was in school. I couldn’t wait to turn 16 so I could get my dinosaur licence.
SET UP: My family doesn’t understand mood disorders, and they’re very Old World, old school.
PUNCH: “To get rid of your depression, eat a nice, heaping bowl of squirrel stew.....works every time!” (“put a handful of Caesar salad on top of your head for three hours”?)
SETUP: I don’t say much, usually....
PUNCH: I can’t – I always have a about 10 meds in my mouth.
SET UP: Just out of curiousity, anyone here around my age, 67?
PUNCH: If so, raise your white bony, bloodless arm with a claw on the end of it, please. Or get your personal care worker to raise it for you.
SET UP: My psychiatrist said I should stand up for myself, not let people walk over me.
PUNCH: Pretty hard to avoid having people walk all over me when I’m grovelling on the ground all day!
PUNCH: I asked my psychiatrist: “What can I do about my social phobia?”
“Beats me!”
Huh!
“At psychiatry school, you have to pass 5 out of 6 courses. I failed social phobia. Got any questions about compulsive hand washing, on the other hand?”
SETUP: My psychiatrist says the best way to minimize my depression….
PUNCH: Is to maximize my anxiety.
SETUP: I hate movies – I prefer real life.
PUNCH: You’ll see me walking down the street, eating popcorn, applauding, crying sometimes.
SET UP: I was barred from this bar once.
PUNCH: After I had 14 Budweisers, I tried to pick a fight with my reflection in the bathroom mirror.
SETUP: I told my psychiatrist I’m talking to myself more lately.
PUNCH: He says: “Tell yourself to shut up.”
SETUP: I dropped another psychiatrist after one session.
PUNCH: She asked me too many personal questions.
SET UP: I’m recruiting for my new cult.
PUNCH: You worship me, and give me money.
I give you insight into worship and money!
SETUP: Since my lobotomy………
PUNCH: …..
SET UP: In high school my nickname was “Worthless Piece of Pond Scum,
PUNCH: What’s worse, my principal gave me that nickname….no wonder I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist for 23 years!
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show April 16 at the Imperial Pub and Library, just east of Eaton Centre.
a day, plus my father worked in a butcher shop.
Where's my cat emoticon? Oh well......
