MDAO Forum

Support for People with Mood Disorders => General Discussion => Topic started by: Peace on September 13, 2014, 08:21:20 am

Title: Need to Vent
Post by: Peace on September 13, 2014, 08:21:20 am
I'm very frugal and my husband is a "keep up with the Jones" type of person . I can honestly say he's unnecessarily spent at least $200,000 (probably more) of our money in our time together. I need security in my life, possibly due to moving numerous times after my parents divorce and watching each of my parents run out of money early in their lives.

His latest expenditure was to replace every single window and door in our home, even though some still had years of life left in them. I pleaded with him to replace them in installments in order to reduce the financial impact and the stress our home is under. He went ahead and replaced them all anyway. When the person came to measure I realized after he left our existing window coverings would not fit due to the size of the frame the installer wanted to use so I emailed our salesman (my best form of communication due to my anxiety) and said I wanted the same size frame. My husband told me to leave the salesman alone and he would deal with it. The salesman gave my husband the brush off. I now have to replace window coverings on two doors and 5 windows.

I knew I couldn't handle the noise of the installation in my home so I planned to spend Sunday to Wednesday at my sisters while the windows were being installed. Due to Agoraphobia I haven't been away from my home in 3 years and was enjoying the lack of stress in my sisters home. I contacted my husband Monday night to talk about staying longer, but I wasn't sure how much longer, definitely not more than a week in total. I then received a message from my youngest daughter through Facebook about how rude I was for not giving prior notice to staying away longer and I was sworn at. When I arrived home Friday (away for 5 days) to attend a drapery appointment, I talked to my husband and he admitted to speaking to both my daughters about his unhappiness with my not returning home Wednesday.

I feel I'm literally powerless regarding any type of decision. I feel year after year I've done exactly what my husband wanted and when I realized due to my health I couldn't keep my high paying job and tried to speak up every single concern I've expressed was ignored, only to hear afterwards I was right. We've had marital counselling and when the counsellor suggested a budget my husband got angry with him.

This probably sounds dramatic, but I literally feel I'm dying from the stress of trying to keep up with my husbands materialism. His new motorcycle (purchased this year) has not brought him the happiness he hoped for because the Harley riders don't wave to him. My chest hurts, I hyperventilate and when I try to have dinner with my husband at the table I often end up choking and have had to run to the bathroom to vomit.

I'm sincerely sorry for the negative tone of this post. I'm not sure where to turn.
Title: Re: Need to Vent
Post by: paul on September 13, 2014, 10:55:17 pm
 They did not like you being away for 5 whole days................................ TOO BAD !!!!!!!!!!!!
Title: Re: Need to Vent
Post by: Peace on September 14, 2014, 07:47:05 am
Thanks for replying, Paul, appreciate you picking up on the ridiculousness of the situation.

Due to very little being done while I was away and how dirty my house was from the installation, yesterday I did the dishes, swept and mopped the kitchen and front entrance, swept a number of other floors, dusted, cleaned a bathroom and did two loads of laundry. Today I have at least 5 loads of laundry to do. In addition to my anxiety/depression related illnesses, I also have arthritis and fibromyalgia, so I'm going to be in a great deal of pain for a number of days now.
Title: Re: Need to Vent
Post by: Dragonfly on September 14, 2014, 12:07:01 pm
Peace I don't quite know what to say about your situation.

You try your darndest to make things work in your family. You are getting no support from your husband and it sounds like your daughters are following suit.

I think it would be hard for anyone to handle the noise from the installation of the windows. I know I would have a hard time with that. Glad you could spend some time with your sister stress free.

I am glad that you posted your concerns here. You are not being negative. You are just stating how you feel and the facts.

Thinking of you.

Title: Re: Need to Vent
Post by: HSG on September 21, 2014, 07:42:13 pm
Sorry to hear of your monetary worries Peace, living with someone who has a different outlook on monetary issues can be very stressful, both on a relationship and on your worry / anxiety.  I'm not sure that I have a solution other to say that I agree with the other posters that you are not in the wrong to worry about the home improvement and other expenses, particularly coming to what they do, nor should you feel bad about wanting a little more time away - 5 days, if it makes you feel more relaxed and better, should not be held against you in the big scheme of things - to me it almost sounds like you are taken a bit for granted by your family, in particular if the house was not maintained / cleaned in that time.

Hang in there, it sounds like a difficult time for you, but I hope that you can come to some resolution or agreement with your husband about future expenses.
Title: Re: Need to Vent
Post by: LuckyLou on October 02, 2014, 05:51:12 am
It really sounds like you are being taking for granted and being controlled by your husband. There is nothing wrong with getting away for a few days to take care of yourself. If it was me i would do it again just to annoy him! Perhaps further counseling might be helpful. I struggle with my partner spending habits as well and money has always been an issue for us. Fortunately i take care of the bills so i can keep us on a strict budget. Otherwise he would just keep spending!!! So i know how frustrating it can be to know how much money you dont have and see your partner spending freely! I am also in a high paying job that I no longer love and i can not leave because we need the money i make there. Its very frustrating. I am at a point where i might take two jobs just to leave the job i am in currently. So i know how you are feeling. I wish i had some further advice for you other than to just keep speaking up about what you need. I hope he can hear you!  I hope you work things out with him. Big Hugs!
Title: Re: Need to Vent
Post by: Peace on October 04, 2014, 11:41:32 am
I wanted to thank Dragonfly, HSG and Lou for the support and validation. It really means a lot to me. The only other person who really understand my situation is my sister and I hesitate to continuously vent to her because she has her own problems.

After watching our bank account build up, then drop by tens of thousands of dollars on a continuous basis I mentioned to my husband again how hard it is for me and I'm going to open my own bank account, close our existing credit card and get a new credit card in my name only. He would need to open a credit card in his name. I told him I will pay half for our existing expenses, but if I didn't think a home repair was necessary I would not contribute. I will not contribute to his entertainment. I've contacted my bank representative to find out what is needed to do so. I mentioned last weekend I was doing this, then when I told him to open a credit card in his name only during the week he realized I was serious and harassed me continuously.

My husband told me one of his friends supports me and said he and his wife  have had separate bank accounts since marriage. In his friends words, if I'm not getting enjoyment from the motorcycle, why should I have to pay for it. I know his other friend who he talks to on a regular basis would only support my husband since in their words my husband needs to find happiness somewhere after being "inflicted with an ill wife."  My husband has been a spender for as long as I've known him so I'm trying really hard to not buy into that this is my fault.

The best advice I can give to anyone is separate bank accounts from day one of co-inhabitation. I wish I had done it years ago and pray I will have the strength to carry through with my plan and that my children will not be brainwashed into thinking I'm adding additional stress to our home by doing so.

Thank you everyone for your feedback and for listening. I can never express how much it means to me.