MDAO Forum

Support for People with Mood Disorders => General Discussion => Topic started by: Dragonfly on February 25, 2017, 12:15:03 am

Title: Received a real shock today
Post by: Dragonfly on February 25, 2017, 12:15:03 am
This morning I was sleeping in bed and I heard the key in my front door. I thought it was my daughter coming home saying she was not needed at work. It turned out to be my son and my two grandchildren. My granddaughter was crying. My son said something bad had happened. I didn't know what but it sounded very serious. It scared me.
My son told me that his ex.'s brother had taken his own life.
Apparently my son found out that he had been depressed for awhile and was getting psyciatric help next week. Unknown to my son his girlfriend broke up with him around Christmas.
The man that took his own life was living with his parents. He was previously in jail for 3 months. He was dealing drugs and lost his driver's licence. His mother found him.
I knew this man. I have mixed feelings about him passing.  He was not a nice person. He made fun of my grandchildren and made my granddaughter cry. They didn't particularly like him. There are no words to describe what his parents and sister are feeling though and I feel for them. This was my grandchildren's uncle.
I am not trying to lay the blame on anyone. I guess maybe I am. His parents enabled him. They gave him no direction. They let him do things and never questioned it.
I feel that we must protect my grandchildren. I don't know if I am using the right words for this tragic happening. Am I a hypocrite? He must have been very sick mentally. Am I judging him?
I don't know if I am making sense. I am only thinking of my grandchildren and how it is effecting my son.
I must say if I knew he was that mentally ill I would have tried to help him to get him the medical care he needed. There is going to be a lot of guilt feelings. His ex. girlfriend talked all day to him off and on the day before. He kept saying he was going to commit suicide.
Please tell me if you think I have no feelings.
I am very mixed up about this happening. I do feel very badly about this man taking his own life. I think I am contradicting myself. I do care. It has not sunk in yet. I would give the world to have him back for his own sake and for his mother, father, sister and friends.
My daughters and I took care of my grandchildren today. My grandson doesn't understand. My granddaughter does somewhat.
This is striking very close to home. If only someone could have helped him.

Title: Re: Received a real shock today
Post by: Stenacron man on February 25, 2017, 12:31:41 am

That is extremely shocking. I am happy that so far other than his suicide the counter effects are not harsh. His parents are likely hurting bad and I feel for them. I am glad to hear it did not harm your Grandchildren. Keep a close I on the kids for odd behaviour that will indicate their comfort level.

Buddy Mack.
Title: Re: Received a real shock today
Post by: paulm on February 25, 2017, 04:25:55 am
Hello Dragonfly. I'm sorry that such harshness has hit your family. Suicide, even though it may be some one you barely know, is never pleasant. Something like 95% of suicides in North America are due to a mental illness.

  I don't know if you know this about me but I spend part of my time teaching a course on how to talk to someone about their possible suicide thoughts.(on a volunteer basis). I had to attend a week of classes with lots of home work to do this. (it's called safeTalk  )

 One of the things that they taught us first is that we are responsible for our own lives. (as adults) While I can say that this person or that doctor should have helped me more with my bipolar disorder, the fact of the matter is that I am that I am the one ultimately responsible for seeking treatment.

 That doesn't mean that if I tried to get professional help and it was bad that someone wasn't responsible, but it does mean that I have to be the one to reach out and at least seek help. 

 We were also taught that we as amateurs cannot be responsible if someone takes their own life. Talking to someone about suicidal thoughts is not easy and the closer they are to you, the tougher it is. 

 I've taken a lot of other courses on the subject and the general consensus is that suicide occurs when a person can no longer stand the mental pain that they are in and that many of us (I've tried to suicide twice, so I can use the word us) are in so much pain that we do not realize how much pain we are causing others when we act on our thoughts. In fact just the opposite sometimes. Once I figured that the only way I could ease my families agonies was to end my own life.  I knew how much pain I was causing others and I couldn't seem to correct my behaviours any other way then to take my own life. 

 You are right in wanting to protect your Grandkids.  As Buddy Mack sez "keep an eye on them" . Also as they get a bit older have some frank discussions with them about mental illness. Many young people suicide because they A) don't know how to get help , some don't even realize that they can call 911 and get help. B) they suicide because they are afraid of the stigma attached to being treated.

 I know the next while will be tough on your family, my thoughts and prayers go with you. Take Care. paul m

Title: Re: Received a real shock today
Post by: Peace on February 25, 2017, 05:06:41 am
Dragonfly, you are obviously a very caring person, that's evident from your postings over the years.

I think something like this creates a lot of different thoughts and feelings and everything you're thinking and feeling is perfectly natural.

My nephew is an addict currently in remission and yes my sister enabled him, but every single choice she made, she made out of love. The hardest thing she ever had to do was take her son to a homeless shelter when having him in her home was taking too much toll on her health and her relationship with her boyfriend. Afterwards when she talked about her decision I made sure to let her know that she went above and beyond for her son, and in no way could she be faulted for the decisions she made.

To me the worst possible thing anyone involved in this situation could do is lay blame. I'm fairly certain guilt will be prevalent amongst those who knew this gentleman. What would be the point now in saying "why didn't they", energy should be spent trying to reassure them they are not at fault for his choices. If anything, the long wait lists within the mental health system, the gaps in treatment, and the stigma associated with mental illness is at fault (in my opinion).

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family at this time and we're here for you.


Title: Re: Received a real shock today
Post by: Dragonfly on February 25, 2017, 07:54:32 pm
Hi Buddy Mack, Paul and Peace,
Thank you for your support and kind words. It really means a great deal to me. Today it is starting to sink in more about the tragic death of this person that I actually knew very well. My family and I camped with him, his parents and sister before my son separated from the sister.

It is great Paul that you took a course on how to talk to people that are contemplating suicide.  I tried to commit suicide once about 1 1/2 years after my eldest (daughter) was born. It was more a cry for help than that I wanted to end it all. I told my husband a few times that I was very unhappy and wanted to take some pills which I eventually did. I really did not realize what was going on with me. I didn't realize I was that depressed. You are right in saying that the pain was so great that I didn't want to live with it anymore.  I felt worthless and a burden to my family. I was so ashamed about my feelings and what I did that only my husband, sister and husband knew about what I had done. I was not diagnosed with suffering from bipolar II until about 4 years later after the birth of my last child. Then the rest of my extended family found out about my mental illness. (big families on my side and my husband's side).

You are right Peace sometimes we do things out of love for our children though they are not always right. As you say no blame should be put on anybody. Yes, I agree that the family should be reassured that it was no fault of their's as to what he did.