MDAO Forum

Support for People with Mood Disorders => General Discussion => Topic started by: Dragonfly on February 06, 2015, 12:30:57 am

Title: This is my third time in about three weeks that I have phoned a distress line
Post by: Dragonfly on February 06, 2015, 12:30:57 am
Hi everyone,

It is really hitting me hard right now about my son and daughter-in-law separating. I have been in tears. I needed to talk to someone. I phoned up the distress line that I have used very recently. I spoke to the nicest man. He listened to me talk which I did a lot and sympatized with me.

I have thought about this situation a lot. I must admit that my son is no saint. He really tried to make the marriage work. My son has worked hard to support his family. He took care of the kids while she went out partying and dancing with her friends and we now realize her boyfriend. In hindsight my son realizes that the affair his wife was having has been going on for at least 2 years. Maybe longer.
I am having a hard time going to watch my grandchildren swim and play hockey because my daughter-in-law and mother are there. I am going to have to be strong for my grandchildren and son and go eventually.

I have told my son that I will continue to pay for the swimming and hockey. There is one condition though. I know I will see my daughter-in-law and her mother there. I will be civil to them.

I do not want my daughter-in-laws boyfriend to come and watch. Is that unreasonable of me? I don't know if I could control myself then.

Title: Re: This is my third time in about three weeks that I have phoned a distress line
Post by: paulm on February 06, 2015, 01:38:08 am
Hello Dragonfly. I don't think that you are being unreasonable to have that kind of feelings. You must be pretty upset over everything and I can understand why you would be.  I sympathize with you on this very difficult situation. 

 I've seen my friends and relatives go through the same problems. Some of them also never want to see their ex's new partner.  However if the new partner is a good person and the relationship becomes long term then the new person will want to be involved in what their new step sons or step daughters are doing.  Whether that be recreational activities or activities like graduation.

 I had one friend who never came to terms with his ex's boyfriend. When it came time for his daughter to graduate from grade 8, the daughter wanted her step Dad to be there as he had helped to raise her for 6 yrs by then. The young girl also wanted her dad there as well, but my friend refused to go. He also missed a lot of other events in the girls life. The person who was most hurt by this was the child.

 As time goes on, if your ex daughter-in-laws new relationship becomes solid and long lasting, the boyfriend is going to be appearing at more and more events.  School Christmas pageants, school graduations, eventually even your Grand Children's weddings.

 You will have to make the difficult decision whether to be there as well or not.  I'm sure that it will be a tough one for you to make.  I'm glad that it isn't happening to me, because while it's easy for me to make comments on here, I know just how tough it is to make decisions in real life and you have some tough decisions to make. 

 The only bit of advice that I can perhaps offer and even then I don't know how it would work out, is to ask your ex daughter-in-law to have her new guy not talk to you if you should accidentally meet and say that at this point you would prefer not to even be introduced. Take Care. paul m
Title: Re: This is my third time in about three weeks that I have phoned a distress line
Post by: LuckyLou on February 06, 2015, 07:11:49 am
Hi I can understand your feelings and it would be awkward having him there but like Paul said if this becomes a long term thing you may have to see him. It will be hard but you are a strong person I'm sure you can stay calm for the sake of your grandchildren. I will be sending u positive vibes and hugs
Title: Re: This is my third time in about three weeks that I have phoned a distress line
Post by: Dragonfly on February 07, 2015, 07:42:51 pm
Thank you Paul & LuckyLou,

I am going to my grandson's next hockey game. I know his mother and possibly her mother will be there. I will be civil to them for the sake of my son and especially my grandchildren.

I realize that if my daughter-in-law goes into a long term  relationship with her boyfriend that I will have to see him somewhere along the line. I will see him.

Title: Re: This is my third time in about three weeks that I have phoned a distress line
Post by: paulm on February 07, 2015, 10:34:30 pm
Hello Dragonfly. I wish you well and good luck. Sometimes when I post something, it is with a heavy heart that I do so as I know the person that I am posting too must be really having a rough time.  Some where along the line I said that I was glad that I was not in your place as I know just how hard it can be to be civil when you think that loved one has been wronged.

 My son's last G/F probably broke up with him partly because of pressures brought about by her parents in the unjust belief that our son was not good enough for their daughter. However in the 3 yrs they were together I had to bite hard on my tongue at times the very few times that I saw girls parents.  Lashing out at my son's potential in-laws or their daughter would have felt really good at the time, but in the end would have not provided me with any long term satisfaction. Fortunately I had my very reasonable wife around who I could vent too. (she also knew when to get me out of a room or when to kick me in the shins.). Unfortunately you do not have that safety valve in your life right now and that must make it even harder for you right at this time.

 In the end my son went through a difficult time, but as it turned out not as difficult as if she hadn't left him for another person.

 So while your son is going through a difficult time, perhaps he will end up with someone better. In the meantime, I'm sure that life will be very difficult for you. I hope that you can find the strength to enjoy life again, despite the problems that have suddenly been thrown in your path. Good Luck and Take Care. paul m