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General Discussion / Children of a parent with mental illness

« on: March 11, 2015, 02:56:25 pm »

I often have a lot of guilt over the life my children have as a result of my disabilities. Even though I know in my head that I have no control over having mental illnesses, my heart mourns for the life they are missing by being stuck with me as a Mom. That being said, my ex-husband is absentee so at least I'm here.

I talk to my kids about mental illness, what it means to have it and how I deal with it. My son has OCD and GAD and my daughter has severe ADHD so I do think they understand better than some children would. They've assured me that they don't feel ripped off having me as their mom but I always thought they were pacifying me.

My son spends a lot of time at a local bike shop and confides in the owner there. Anyway, I called the owner today to try and work out a deal for my son's 17th birthday next month. By the time I got off the phone I was bawling my eyes out. He told me he was so glad to speak to the wonderful woman who is Josh's mom. This kind of caught me off guard so I asked him what he meant. He went on to tell me that Josh had spoken to him about me and our family situation. Josh told him that he never felt like he was missing out because I was a great mom and put everything into being a great dad too. It meant so much to me that he thinks of me this way. It validates what I'm doing and makes me realize that I might not be everything I want to be, but I do seem to be enough.

I thanked him for sharing that and I guess he heard my voice wavering. What he said to me after that I think will stick with me forever. He said, "Elizabeth, what you need to realize is that in time, it won't be the things that you couldn't do that stick in people's minds; it's all the things you did and tried to do that make the difference."

It's nice that my tear ducts are getting a workout today for reasons other than sadness 

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General Discussion / Motivation and Positivity?

« on: March 05, 2015, 12:13:38 am »

So as I'm sure a lot of you can relate, I have had decades of people telling me to "shake it off", "make the choice to be happy" and any number of other asinine suggestions. My mother describes me as a very melancholy child. I am an only child and we moved roughly every two years when I was growing up. I don't know which thing led to what but by my mid teens I was in a deep depression. Turns out of course that every family doctor in the 20+ years that followed felt they were the expert on mental health issues and never sent me for further help, just kept changing my meds cause I kept telling them I didn't feel better and often felt worse. Where they should have clued in was when I would tell them about how I would go days without sleeping, spend thousands in a day, gamble away mortgage payments etc, etc.

I was put on disability 5 years ago. 2 weeks later, my husband left me for a friend I had considered close. He has all but abandoned my children. I was forced to sell the home I'd had custom built, had to change my children's schools to be able to afford a place to live. I was told (and I agree) that I could no longer work in the field I had gotten quite far in, my body is falling apart, I have gained 100 lbs. with all the meds I'm on. I was forced to withdraw from school cause I just got too sick (stress etc).

Here's where I'm going with this. I get out of bed every morning....but only for my kids. I used to love cooking but now feel too ill physically or too tired emotionally. My life is not even a shadow of what it was, even though I'd been ill for years. How is it you find the motivation to get things done or to remain (or even be) positive. I have no friends.....the ones who didn't bail over my disabilities bailed as a result of my jerk of an ex-husband and are not interested in rekindling a friendship. This leaves me sitting alone, all day, most days. I have my daughter home most evenings and my son half the time (he's out with friends the other half). Evenings are easier for me for sure but they aren't going to be with me forever, though my daughter wants to be LOL.

I guess I just don't know how to get out of this funk. I know in my mind getting up and doing things will help my mood but my body is not allowing that to happen a lot of the time. How am I ever supposed to feel better or be successful when my body and my mind are talking turns assaulting me? Sorry that this wasn't the most positive of posts