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Messages - Peace

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General Discussion / Re: How is everyone doing this summer?
« on: July 22, 2016, 05:43:32 am »
Hi everyone  :)

Hugs, Dragonfly. Very sorry to hear about your struggles. Hoping things will even out for you, and we're here if you need us.

Paul, I've always admired your determination.

I'm carrying on as usual. I've been walking sometimes 2 times a day, which I find helps my mood. It's the oddest thing for me like clockwork. Feeling horrible one day to the point of not being able to eat, then the next day I can function and get things accomplished. It's good to recognize this pattern because I try to tell myself on the days I don't feel good to not over-react and the next day will be better.


General Discussion / Re: Not doing well continued
« on: June 24, 2016, 06:38:49 am »
Thank you, Dragonfly. It's very true. There's this set thought "face your fears", which I can see the rationale behind, but not everyone fits the mold due to other factors. "Studies show". I don't happen to be a study.

I care about you too.  :) You've dealt with so much, yet you always have been here for me.

General Discussion / Not doing well continued
« on: June 21, 2016, 05:12:53 am »
I started a new thread so people don't have to scroll down.

Situation at home has escalated. Won't get into detail because it's upsetting.

Spoke with my councillor at my local women's shelter. She's good, by the way. I'm an external client so there's only so much she can do. She gave me another place to contact because she thought they did outreach. I phoned the other place and she said they don't do outreach. I said I have agoraphobia, could they make an exception. She said the view around people with agoraphobia is they want you to face your fear. I said my agoraphobia is complicated by my OCD in that when change takes place I panic. I explained that when my psychiatrist changes our regular appointment it can set me back for a couple of months. I was trying to explain I don't have the standard agoraphobia, mine is more complicated. She didn't give me the chance to go further and explain it sets me back so badly because it involves me having to leave my home more than once that month and change my routine. Right away she said their counsellors sometimes have to change appointment times and was throwing up other barriers around me getting help from them. I was panicking. She referred me to places closer to my home I've already contacted and are 2 buses and a walk away so I made note of them to try to attend once my agoraphobia has improved.

I'm sorry for venting again, I'm just so exhausted from all this. I don't know where else to go to talk to, so I come here.

I decided now I guess I need to not go into so much detail, I need to just say my agoraphobia is complicated by other health issues. End of story.

Someone with my health should not have to do all this legwork and be given the run around like this. It's ridiculous. It also has caused me to lose hope and believe no one actually gives a crap about me

Thank you for listening.  :'(

General Discussion / Re: Not doing well
« on: June 20, 2016, 05:40:18 am »
Thanks, Amanda  :) Appreciate the support!  :)

General Discussion / Re: a joke
« on: June 16, 2016, 06:43:04 am »
 :D Hilarious Paul, thank you!

Number 10 applies to me, and especially on days I call "bad OCD days" because my emails can be pages due to my inability to shut my mind off. I re-read some of them later (a checking compulsion) and think to myself no wonder no one answers me, they probably by now think "oh no, another book".  :D

The ability to laugh at ourselves is so important and your joke helped me do that.

Thanks again!

General Discussion / Re: My meow passed away suddenly....
« on: June 10, 2016, 08:35:35 am »
Sorry for your loss, Peter. They're part of the family. Thinking of you.

General Discussion / Re: Not doing well
« on: June 08, 2016, 10:30:01 am »
Thank you, everyone  :)

You're all awesome!

Since the meeting I've been having problems sleeping and I've been performing one of my compulsions that I hid for the longest time because I was embarrassed. I trace lines with either my eyes or index finger in everything traceable. I even trace trees, fences, posts, etc. when I go for walks.

I really appreciate all the support and feedback, I'm just not in a well enough place to answer each individually.

It was wonderful to have received so much support and so many suggestions.  :)

I was just given a psychologist to speak to who specializes in ERP. When I phoned I found he charges $210 per hour. I was also given a referral to a PSW who can take me to the doctor at a rate of $60 per hour. Add that to the $310 per hour for a lawyer and I'm told I'm not following suggestions because I express concern over spending $580 per hour on the suggestions and referrals being given to me.

When I start writing my letters I'm going to use the cancer comparison. Would a person with a medical condition be asked to pay $370 per hour (treatment, getting to the doctor) or would their treatment be covered by provincial health insurance, and would there be supports in place to help them get to the doctor? I don't even care for myself anymore because I want nothing to do with a certain mental health association, but I want to advocate for other vulnerable people.

Ranting again :( My apologies

General Discussion / Not doing well
« on: June 02, 2016, 04:40:18 am »
There was a case conference yesterday for me. I'm the one who requested it in my home due to my agoraphobia. Many were on board with coming to my home, but CMHA insisted it be in their office.

I got an email yesterday that 2 people were coming to my home before the meeting. I had no clue why so I spent the night before thinking up all the scenarios

They were asking me things I couldn't answer and I was told "I don't take time out of my day normally for these". I said I'm anxious, if you email me your questions, I can answer. Then I hung my head and apologized. That person said "she's going to need case management for 2 to 4 years" to her associate.

Then when I got to the meeting I was left in the waiting area alone even though I had made it clear I would need support waiting. I think they went for a cigarette. There was an automatic door close to me opening and closing that was driving me nuts, really close to where I was sitting. I was told I would need to be more functional for the meeting. That there will always be opening and closing doors. I said I'm sorry, I'm having a bad day. I was told I need to stop saying that, if it continues I'm always going to believe it's a bad day.

I was told you have to push through the anxiety on bad days and practise exposure, even though I did thorough investigation into exposure therapy and you shouldn't attempt on bad days because if you don't do well on those days you'll not want to try again.

I prepared a well thought out document about my needs and goals, because the purpose was to look at my needs and goals and each place to say "we can help with that". They barely touched on the document. When I tried to bring it back to the document I was told this is more for one person who was at the meeting, even though it was for each place to say "I can help with that".

All I heard continually was what each place couldn't do and what I don't qualify for.

They've been pushing CAMH on me, when my psychiatrist and I already looked at it together and decided it was repetition of therapy I already had and not OCD specific therapy, and the psychiatrist at CAMH won't do a phone or cam assessment interview, so I'd have to go to downtown Toronto for the appointment.

After some people left I was visibly upset. The same person asked me why and I said because I didn't get to hear what each place can do for me. The same person said each place had already told me that. Honestly, all I heard was the reason why each place couldn't help and the reason I didn't qualify for this service and that service.

I said I'm okay with therapy, but it needs to be exposure and response prevention therapy for OCD, and the same person said my worker was going to give me exposure therapy (meaning the agoraphobia exposure therapy). I had the exposure therapy previously from someone who could take me places in their vehicle, and the new person can only walk in my neighbourhood with me, which I'm okay with doing, but would also like to focus on whether it can be found from another source who can go to actual public places with me.

I tried to explain exposure therapy is for agoraphobia, but exposure and response therapy is for OCD. OCD is my primary diagnosis and severe. My agoraphobia is complicated by my OCD in that change is hard for people with OCD and if change takes place when I go out in public I panic. My response to that was met with "you're batting down every idea given to you."

I said I knew it was going to turn into this and ran from the room.

I sent an email to one of the places "helping" me saying to please explain their policies on agoraphobia, that the information is needed when I write to Central West Lin (who funds them) and other government organizations about the lack of treatment for my conditions.

I have fought so hard and advocated so hard for myself for a very long time, and to be told I'm batting down every suggestion given to me after all the other negative feedback I was given that day has left me numb.

General Discussion / Re: Need advice
« on: March 06, 2016, 05:24:54 am »
Thank you, misskris3  :)

Very helpful suggestions. I'm hoping my sisters health improves enough for me to be able to spend some time at her place again. So far everyone else I've reached out to has had too much going on in their lives. Very helpful, though, to be reminded to keep trying for that time away.

General Discussion / Re: Need advice
« on: March 06, 2016, 05:18:55 am »
Thank you Dragonfly  :) I actually wrote to Justin Trudeau December 11th outlining my struggles and the lack of help available. Someone from his office responded March 1st saying my email had been forwarded to the Minister of Health, and that I may want to contact Ontario Ministry of Health and Long-Term Care. No contact information for them, though. It's worth a shot contacting my local MP, and now that I think about it, the mayor of my city should be made aware. Even if it doesn't get me help, it couldn't hurt for them to be made aware of what cutbacks are doing.

The person at the women's shelter had a bit more time last week and we had a good talk. She said it sounds like my husband has Jekyll/Hyde personality. That it's a known situation where outsiders will say to people "why are you leaving him/her, they are wonderful", when there is an actual "monster personality" revealed only to select people. This explanation helped explain a lot to me, and it's good to know that there's many others experiencing what I am. She's a very helpful, caring person.

I believe there's many in the mental health field who care and really want to help, but with so many in need they can only do so much.

I just might reach out to Clara Hughes. I always said once I'm better I'm going to advocate for help for others, but it doesn't hurt to start now. Even if I can't find health, it might benefit others eventually.

Thank you for the kind words and suggestions!

General Discussion / Re: Certain foods can reduce anxiety....
« on: March 06, 2016, 05:01:11 am »
Thanks, Peter. Info like this really helps.  :)

General Discussion / Re: Need advice
« on: February 28, 2016, 05:51:48 am »
Answer I received from my contact at my local woman's shelter:

Unfortunately this week I will not be able to devote the time that I would want to and what you deserve in order to discuss this. She then redirected me to another facility in my city. When I phoned them they won't help me unless I go in for intake, which is impossible considering their location and my agoraphobia.

I got her email the same day I got an email from Red Cross saying they don't service my city, an email from CMHA not accepting my appeal for case management, and an email from my social organization saying they can't find any volunteer organizations to help me.  :(

Sorry for venting, I'm honestly at my wits end trying to find help for myself. 

Thank you, Peter and Dragonly :) I really do appreciate the feedback/support. :)

Hopefully I'll become well/brave enough to reach out to another women's organization for suggestions, as Peter suggested.


General Discussion / Re: How's everyone doing?
« on: February 27, 2016, 05:50:48 am »
Good for you for going to the gym, Peter!  :)

My blood pressure was high when I was at the doctor so I'm forcing myself to walk every day, and I'm trying to eat better. I'm hanging in there, just stressed over the whole separation process. Not at all impressed with the lack of help for someone in my position. Having said that, there are some people I've dealt with who seem to really care and are going above and beyond to try to help me.

Wishing a speedy recovery and good health to your brother.

General Discussion / Need advice
« on: February 22, 2016, 06:43:26 pm »
Hi everyone,

I was hoping to connect with someone who has been exposed to abuse or who has experience in that area.

I need 2 things:

1. Advice on how to survive/escape the name calling.

2. Tips on how to keep myself from making simple requests of a person who is totally unreasonable.

I'm pretty desperate about this.

Thank you

Hi Jackie  :)

Welcome! There are wonderful people here.

When my family went away I had a bit of a meltdown. My friend phoned my sister, who phoned my psychiatrist, who gave me his cell phone number to call in case of emergency. The next time my family went away I told my psychiatrist and he said to have a support system in place. I put myself on the care list of the Pastoral Care Committee at my church. Each day one of the members came to my home to check on me. They brought me food, and one wonderful person called me each day, even though it wasn't her day. I had their numbers to phone if there were any problems at all. Very supportive women. I've done this 2 years in a row and it was so helpful to me. It's a thought, if you're affiliated with a church, or even if there's a church in the vicinity.

One thing I'd like to suggest is to not make it known to many that your husband will be away, and don't post it on any social media.

I don't blame you at all for being fearful, I would be too.

Good luck!!


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