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Messages - paulm

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301
General Discussion / Re: Anxiety is getting to me ....
« on: February 24, 2015, 01:04:14 am »
Hello Dragonfly (and I hope that Soozan will forgive me for butting in ) . Pam drugs are drugs like clonazepam. They are all from a class of drugs known as Benezodiazepines. As most of us cannot spell that, much less pronounce it correctly, they are often called Benzo's or pam drugs. The pam part comes from the fact that they mostly end in pam. Clonazepam, lorazepam and Diazepam being common examples.

 For some people they can cause exactly what you describe. In wikipedia it is described as follows.

 "Benzodiazepines are generally viewed as safe and effective for short-term use, although cognitive impairment and paradoxical effects such as aggression or behavioral disinhibition occasionally occur. A minority of people can have paradoxical reactions such as worsened agitation or panic"

 I know some people who cannot take any pam drug as it does make them aggressive, or more probably it makes both their conscious and sub conscious mind more relaxed and thus not as able to control the emotions that they would normally suppress.

 I have prescriptions for both lorazepam and clonazepam and I rarely take the clonazepam.  I find the lorazepam works better in my system for controlling my anxieties and it is shorter acting so it is out of my system quicker. But that is a personal choice and not a recommendation as everyone is different. Take Care. paul m

302
General Discussion / Re: Something really triggered me tonight
« on: February 24, 2015, 12:39:06 am »
Hello Dragonfly. Sorry to hear that you are feeling so unwell.

 I can relate to your being upset and triggered by your sis-in-laws rude behaviour and her cheapness. I have an almost uncontrolled desire to choke someone when I see them wasting life being overally cheap. I'm forced to be cheap by circumstance. but if I had money I would spend my time doing things that I enjoy and not trying to save a few bucks by trying to get the absolute best deal.  I really hate it when a certain large corporation screws up my phone bill and I'm forced to spend an hr or two on the phone trying to get 20 or 30 bucks back, but it's something that I have to do. Once again, if I had money I would have better things to do with my time.

 Having said that, once I get over my desire to choke someone,  I feel sorry for them. They do have an illness, but they refuse to seek treatment and thus miss out on some of life's finer moments.

 I hope that you feel better soon. Take Care. paul m

303
General Discussion / Re: A person can change/it's never too late.
« on: February 22, 2015, 11:50:28 pm »
Hello Peter.I don't know why our mind blocks out some things and not others. It may be a case of we don't like a subject .  I know I have no musical skills because I never cared enough about the music to develop them. However I liked math and did excellent until university and I ran into advanced calculus. I passed but barely, I just couldn't wrap my brain around the more abstract ideas of advanced calculus.

 Like wise trying to learn french, I liked french, studied it so much that I was able to read in french, but I never could speak it well and I never could take part in a proper conversation.  My brain just wouldn't allow me to think in french and I sure tried.

 On the other hand,  I've known artists that were extremely gifted doing art, theater, song, dance etc, but who I wouldn't let change the oil in my car. No mechanical aptitude they might drain the radiator and fill it with oil. 

 I suspect that our individual brains are as guided by genes and envoirnment as our physical abilities are. I mean someone who is 5 ft tall and weighs 100 lbs is never going to lift a 500 lb weight. However that same person may have a terrific athletic ability in another area that a 6ft 250 lber could never do (say being a jockey). He/she, just wasn't given the genes to grow to the size required. I suspect it's the same with our brains. No matter how much we try to do some types of heavy lifting our individual brains just may not be able to do it. Doesn't mean we are dumb, we just don't have the requirements to be able to do that task. Take Care. paul m

304
General Discussion / Re: "Positive" anxiety....
« on: February 22, 2015, 11:20:20 pm »
Hello Peter. Not liking where you live can be tough. Talking to people in general can help a day seem better and more positive. Take Care. paul m

305
General Discussion / Re: Introductions
« on: February 22, 2015, 11:16:58 pm »
Hello mmarynuk.  I understand and can sympathize. Unfortunately incorrect diagnosis for extended periods is still way to common. Good to see you paot again. Take Care. paul m

306
General Discussion / Re: Anxiety is getting to me ....
« on: February 22, 2015, 11:11:44 pm »
Hello Soozan. The cure for anxieties with the highest success rate is  a really good CBT course. One that's designed specifically for anxieties and taught by a specialist and in a small class setting.  The success rates are 65-85% without meds.  Problem is they tend to be expensive and hard to find.

 It's easy to find  a CBT course, really hard to find good one. Unfortunately I have  no idea which ones are good in T.O. Other than that, I don't know which meds work for anxieties, I treat mine with very small doses of lorazepam and some CBT techniques . I realize that the pam meds aren't for everyone. When I use lorazepam and or CBT technigues , I find they work best if used before I get worked up.

 Some people do well with yoga. For me Yoga gives me anxieties. For that matter, so does the standard advice of going for a walk or doing some light exercise. When I go for a walk and nothing occupies my mind, anxieties can really creep in.  Sorry that I don't have more, perhaps someone else can add more. Take Care. paul m

307
General Discussion / Re: Brain fog
« on: February 19, 2015, 11:45:24 pm »
Hello Meese. I'll qualify my answer and say most days. In my mind (or what's left of it LOL) there are a variety of brain fogs. It took me quite a while to sort them out and figure out how to deal with each.  I don't know about anybody else, but for me it's important to figure what's causing my brain fog and to work on correcting that. Sometimes this can take a long time and sometimes only a few days.

 For example for a long time my brain was fuzzy until I got used to my meds and still once in a while they can make me a little fuzzy headed, especially if I don't feel well physical and perhaps my bodies metabolism is off a bit, slowing the exit of the medications from my body.

 If I don't watch my over all health, too tired for example, my brain cramps up pretty quickly these days. If I take on too much stress,my brain just shuts down or at least it feels that way.

 As my illness waxes and wanes I can still feel pretty fuzzy headed.

 However in general if I watch what I eat, take my meds, watch my habits, don't allow myself to get stressed out and the fates decide to be a little bit kind to me, my mind is usually pretty clear. It took a while though. Take Care. paul m

308
General Discussion / Re: Sorry about little feedback...
« on: February 19, 2015, 11:35:42 pm »
Hello Peter. Don't worry about getting confused once in a while. It happens to everybody, just as we get older it seems to happen to some of us more often. Take Care. paul m

309
Hello Dragonfly. We all are a part of our upbringing and our own genetic patterns. In regards to judging people I can be harsh and unforgiving when I feel the situation warrants it.  Doesn't make me right and I do try and change.

 In regards to looks. I rarely judge people on them for three reasons, none of which I can take credit for. When I was very young my neighbour and friend was a young boy who had been badly stricken by polio which extremely handicapped him physically and left him with a withered arm and leg. So for me, different looking people were normal. He I remained  friends for nearly 60 yrs until his passing.

 Second reason was that I was an ugly duckling. After viewing my high school pictures, even my wife said she wouldn't have gone out on a date with me back then. I was 6 ft tall and about 120 lbs, awkward and clumsy as all heck. I couldn't get a date to save my soul. It was a bit of a shocker for me when I turned 19 (now 6`1" and 190 lbs of muscle) to be pursued by women. (I was a quick learner though LOL)

 Third reason(s) is because my weight has gone up and down over the yrs from heavy to far too heavy and of course bipolar at times has left me either without any confidence or a totally unrealistic view and too much confidence.

 I was fortunate that fates allowed me to see inner beauty as a young man. My wife certainly was not the most beautiful women in the looks dept, but I was able to look past that and marry the most beautiful woman in the world overall.

 I'm currently well over weight and would like to lose more weight, but for reasons related to my physical health.  Having said all of that I'm still known as person who can be too judgmental and/or too quick to judge a person based on their personalities.

 Forming judgments on a persons personality without knowing all of the facts or getting to know them well is as bad as judging someone on their looks, some people have good reasons for being grumpy or unfriendly and I may catch them only at their worse .So I'm also guilty of making unfair judgments.  I do try and change, but sometimes it is hard. Good thread Dragonfly, thx for stating it. Take Care. paul m

310
General Discussion / Re: Humour
« on: February 07, 2015, 11:09:20 pm »
These have been around for a while but I still enjoy them. Take Care. paul m
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Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the Doctor.

A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful. "Doc!" Joe says, "It's amazing! I'm cured!"
"That's great news!" the psychoanalyst says. "you seem to be doing much better. How?"
"I was talking to my barber," Joe says enthusiastically, "and he cured me!"
" A Barber" the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.  "How did he cure you?"
"Oh, easy," says Joe. "He told me to cut the legs off of my bed."
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An engineer and a psychiatrist meet up for their 20th college reunion.

The engineer says, "I'm surprised to see you still looking so young. I'd have thought listening to people's problems all day would have given you a mass of wrinkles."

The psychiatrist says, "You think we listen?"
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This one might not be funny, but it may be true....
Professional Opinion is Always Best

A psychiatrist met an old patient and exclaimed, "I heard you died. "

"But you see I'm alive ," smiled the ex-patient.

"Impossible," said the psychiatrist. "I was told you'd died by a colleague who's had 22 peer-reviewed papers published, so his opinion's bound to be much more reliable than yours."
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This one might not be funny, but it is true. LOL.

Student Talking to the Wise Man

"Sir, What is the secret of your success?"
"Two words"
"And, Sir, what are they?"
"Right decisions."
"And how do you make right decisions?"
"One word."
"And, What is that?"
"Experience."
"And how do you get Experience?"
"Two words"
"And, Sir, what are they?"
"Wrong decisions."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 A few of my own

 Anyone who sez that marriage is a 50-50 proposition, just doesn't understand fractions

 I have come to realize that my wife is not bossy, she just knows exactly what I shoulf be doing at any given moment.

 Does anyone have a repair manual for a 17 yr old teenager, mines developed a terrible whine.

 Words were flying between my wife and I the other night. The cat jumped up on the table and knocked over the scrabble board.


311
Hello Dragonfly. I wish you well and good luck. Sometimes when I post something, it is with a heavy heart that I do so as I know the person that I am posting too must be really having a rough time.  Some where along the line I said that I was glad that I was not in your place as I know just how hard it can be to be civil when you think that loved one has been wronged.

 My son's last G/F probably broke up with him partly because of pressures brought about by her parents in the unjust belief that our son was not good enough for their daughter. However in the 3 yrs they were together I had to bite hard on my tongue at times the very few times that I saw girls parents.  Lashing out at my son's potential in-laws or their daughter would have felt really good at the time, but in the end would have not provided me with any long term satisfaction. Fortunately I had my very reasonable wife around who I could vent too. (she also knew when to get me out of a room or when to kick me in the shins.). Unfortunately you do not have that safety valve in your life right now and that must make it even harder for you right at this time.

 In the end my son went through a difficult time, but as it turned out not as difficult as if she hadn't left him for another person.

 So while your son is going through a difficult time, perhaps he will end up with someone better. In the meantime, I'm sure that life will be very difficult for you. I hope that you can find the strength to enjoy life again, despite the problems that have suddenly been thrown in your path. Good Luck and Take Care. paul m

312
Hello Dragonfly. I don't think that you are being unreasonable to have that kind of feelings. You must be pretty upset over everything and I can understand why you would be.  I sympathize with you on this very difficult situation. 

 I've seen my friends and relatives go through the same problems. Some of them also never want to see their ex's new partner.  However if the new partner is a good person and the relationship becomes long term then the new person will want to be involved in what their new step sons or step daughters are doing.  Whether that be recreational activities or activities like graduation.

 I had one friend who never came to terms with his ex's boyfriend. When it came time for his daughter to graduate from grade 8, the daughter wanted her step Dad to be there as he had helped to raise her for 6 yrs by then. The young girl also wanted her dad there as well, but my friend refused to go. He also missed a lot of other events in the girls life. The person who was most hurt by this was the child.

 As time goes on, if your ex daughter-in-laws new relationship becomes solid and long lasting, the boyfriend is going to be appearing at more and more events.  School Christmas pageants, school graduations, eventually even your Grand Children's weddings.

 You will have to make the difficult decision whether to be there as well or not.  I'm sure that it will be a tough one for you to make.  I'm glad that it isn't happening to me, because while it's easy for me to make comments on here, I know just how tough it is to make decisions in real life and you have some tough decisions to make. 

 The only bit of advice that I can perhaps offer and even then I don't know how it would work out, is to ask your ex daughter-in-law to have her new guy not talk to you if you should accidentally meet and say that at this point you would prefer not to even be introduced. Take Care. paul m

313
General Discussion / Re: What did you do today?
« on: February 06, 2015, 12:48:41 am »
Hello Meese and welcome. In regards to being middle aged and having mental health problems, I'm 60 and I have a lot of problems, both mental and physical, and I have to watch that I don't take too much volunteer stuff on. So there a lot of places to volunteer. I will caution you though, until you are stable, start small.  As Soozan has mentioned, Progress place is a good place to hang out or to do a little volunteer work to start with.

 The Mood Disorders Association Ont, the charity that provides this forum, runs many peer support groups during the week. For a full listing you can go to https://mooddisorders.ca/programs?field_region_value_many_to_one=Toronto   They can be a great place to go to learn about your illness, interchange ideas with others about how to get well, talk with others about frustrations or just a pleasant place  to go and relax. Plus they are free.

 The MDAO also runs many free programs.

 Plus you can post on here. Please feel free to ask questions, answer other people's questions and use the forum to vent out a few of life's frustrations.  Take Care. paul m

314
General Discussion / Re: Marriage problems
« on: February 06, 2015, 12:26:09 am »
Hello Dragonfly. I didn't see anything unusual about the time you posted. I can't sleep for more than about 4 hrs at a time, and I live by napping.

 I'm glad that your son is trying to get everything settled as quickly and with as few of arguments as possible. However before they sell the house he may want to get a legal opinion on that. More than a few of my aquaintances have found out that a judge may order the children to be raised in a place similar to what they were used too. Example, if they were used to living in a 3 bedroom house , then if after the separation, they have to live in a two bedroom apt the judge may take exception to that, Well not really the judge, but whichever lawyer the ex wife gets.  Especially if she has sole or primary custody of the kids.

 In regards to working on not being too judgmental. I can't speak for others on this forum, but that is something that I have to work on constantly. From my observations of the people in my neigbourhood, a few more people should be working on it too.  Good Luck with everything. Take Care. paul m

315
General Discussion / Re: Marriage problems
« on: February 04, 2015, 12:29:41 am »
Hello Dragonfly. Thx for the Thx.  In regards to employer or union subsidized lawyers, he will have to talk with co-workers to get an idea about how good or bad they are. Unfortunately some are great and some not so much.

 Peace has given you good advice about staying away if you think you may say something.

 In regards to the courts being fair. I agree that they are sometimes very unfair, but courts have this modern view that for better or for worse are merely words.  They tend to take the view that people are liable to grow apart for various reasons and that blame should not be attached when this occurs.  I'm not saying that this should always be true, but it is a modern reality whether I like it or not.

 In regards to costs. When your son talks to a lawyer, the first thing that he should ask about are the fees for an uncontested divorce. If it gets contested the costs will be huge.  The biggest unexpected costs that comes as a shock for most people is if the ex spouse gets sole custody of the children.  You can find out details at
http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/child-enfant/fcsg-lfpae/2011/index.html

 and then scrolling down to Ontario, 1-4 children.  If a person makes around 70,000 a yr and has 3 kids, they can expect to pay 1356 per mth.  This causes a lot of people to pause and decide whether or not to go for sole custody and hire a nanny.

 In a shared custody case, you take the ones person income minus the other persons income to figure out the net income. Say your son made 70,000 and his ex 20,000 the difference is 50,000 and the tables can be used to figure out the amount of support, about 1000 in this example.   Those are just examples. The judge can award more or in rare cases, less.

 If your son has family benefits through his workplace for his ex-spouse and his children, tell him not to cancel them until he speaks with his lawyer. I know he won't for the kids, but some guys like to cut their ex off of the benefits only to find that they are sometimes responsible for her benefits too. 

 A fairly good resource that explains the terms better than I do and explains the laws fairly clearly is  http://www.canadiandivorcelaws.com/spousal-support/   , just click on the various categories at the top of the page.  They also have a section on alimony.

 Also warn him about signing any separation agreement before seeking a lawyers advice. Some parts of a separation may seem like a good deal, but when all the legalities are figured in they can cost more than a person thinks.

 One final word(s), and again no judgement is intended. Parents love their kids. We ,or at least, I , tend to think that the other person is 100% at fault, when a marriage or relationship goes sour or has problems So while I'm sure that you are quite upset with the whole situation, I'm sure that your daughter-laws, mother is going to take her daughters side. Rightly or wrongly. 

 I can't speak for anyone else, but sometimes I have to remember that my own Mother-in-law(who is a really nice person) is going to nearly always side with my wife(which makes me mad at times) My wife is a great person, but she does have flaws that sometimes can drive me a little crazy (very short drive LOL) . When my kids have problems, I have to be very careful that I don't see just their side of things as well.  So while you can think harsh thoughts about your daughter-in-law, please remember that no matter what she has done,her mother is going to still love her and by default side with her in any major decisions. It's the way nature created us. Other wise we would never have kid because at some point in our lives our kids  are probably going to cause us many sleepless nights. I did for my parents and now my kids are repaying me  LOL.

 While I hope that this gets settled quickly and to everyone's satisfaction, I'm sure that you will need all the support you can get. So post here freely. From  now on I will try, I repeat try  :), to keep my answers a little shorter.Good Luck and  Take Care. paul m.   

 

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