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Messages - piano321

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General Discussion / Anybody here off work on LTD
« on: August 06, 2016, 12:22:32 pm »

Is anybody here on Long Term Disability and have been for a while due to your depression and anxiety. 
Has it been a difficult struggle for you not being able to return to work?

It's been quite a challenge for me. 

General Discussion / Re: Introductions
« on: August 05, 2016, 04:17:43 pm »
Hello, I go by the name Piano321 - I'm 53 years old and married for 29 years to a wonderful husband. 

Unfortunately, my dream of having a family of my own did not pan out, I lost 2 babies in my thirties, I was not able to conceive afterwards, had about 11 medical surgeries, too many physical problems.  However, I was always resilient, not one to complain about myself or start a pity party but the past 3 years have been very challenging mentally and physically.

I think I always had a problem with depression and anxiety all my life but managed to work through it.  I was a graphic artist, pianist, choir director, I worked as a mediation assistant but now I am mostly numb and very apathetic about everything.

I see a lot of people here posting about their interests and I feel sad to mention I no longer have any, total apathy.  I "used" to enjoy gardening, flower arrangements, decoration, discussions about life in general/history/world news, the arts, theatre, nature, furniture refurbishing, letter writing, etc.  I still garden but all my inner joy has gone so I'm trying to practice mindfulness and live in the present moment.

I've been diagnosed with a complex depression and anxiety disorder I'm still going through the medical system, going around in circles.  I never did well on medication, in fact, personally speaking, I'm extremely sensitive to anti-depressants.  I was on Paxil for 21 years and it really damaged me on many levels.  I was finally able to taper off this med and have now been Paxil free for 17 months.  I'm suffering from the results of coming off this medication and dealing with uncontrollable tremors. 

I was always one who thought about others, always wanting to help and one who cares deeply about people in general, I may be a little too empathetic.  I'm a person who is spiritual, in many ways it has helped me throughout my struggles.  I miss not working and have been off work for the past 3 years and on LTD.  I find it very difficult not being part of society and being able to contribute in some little ways.  I don't really have friends, I was sick so often that the ones I had seemed to have vanished.  I always dreamed of having a large family and true friends I could just call up or spend time with.  No, I don't feel sorry for myself, maybe it's just me who can't seem to "fit in" but I know I'm a very lovable and kind person.

The Mood Disorder Association is a wonderful place where one feels accepted and I'm grateful to have found this place.  In the meantime, I'm just trying to live day by day and hope to eventually find inner peace. 

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