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Messages - Jackie

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General Discussion / Re: Introductions
« on: March 11, 2016, 09:27:36 am »
Thank you Paulm,   You really did send me some helpful information .  I live close to North York General Hospital and clicked on the link you sent me ..   I have another refill on the Clonazepam and cannot afford to lose that refill , but will definitely contact them after i pick up my next refill end of April .. 

Thanks or letting me know that you had trouble also getting through your first MDAO meeting ..  sometimes it just helps to know someone else felt the same way I did .. 

I currently cannot afford a therapist  ..  That is why I need a new Dr  to get me a referral to see an Ohip covered pys doctor .     

Thank you for replying  and you really were helpful :)

General Discussion / Re: Introductions
« on: March 09, 2016, 04:43:43 pm »
Hi .  I have Social Anxiety( since a young child ) , General Anxiety and Panic Disorder- (diagnosed in my 20s) .

   I've been on a low dosage of 1.5mg upto 2mg of Clonazepam a day 15 + years.  I did work full time at same job for over 20 years .  My only sibling was killed in 2003 and I lost both my parents to Alzheimer's . I have no children because my grandfather was bi-polar and so was my sister and both had shock treatments when they were alive .  I have suffered all my life with Anxiety .. I did not want to pass it on to a child ..  So I have no family ..not even a niece or a cousin and it is really hard on me. 

 I  recently went through a home invasion that was horrible . I tried to explain to my Dr. that I'm having a hard time being in my home alone since the invasion.   and she told me to "get over it"  . she made me feel invalidated and I already feel somewhat invisible  . I must have PTSD since that happened, as I can't function alone in the house,.every sound outside/ knock on the door and instant fear /terror..

 I am so desperate for help .. I can't sleep and when I do fall asleep I wake up within a couple of hours with horrible panic attacks . I do not want to go back to my Dr.  as she made me feel so bad and I told her I could not sleep and not coping, but  she just seemed agitated and so dismissive of me !  I am also worried that I may not be able to find another GP  that will prescribe my Clonazepam.. as many Dr.s do not . I cannot just go off a med that I have been on  15 years due to withdrawl.  plus I cant get referral to a shrink as I can't go back to my Dr. and have her make me feel even more invalidated . I have asked around about Dr.s and so far no luck ?     Anyone know of a kind Dr that will understand that I have been on Clonazepam for years and can't just stop taking it ???

  I have been trying to find help on my own and did manage to make it to mdao support group about a week or so ago . but because I have Social Anxiety Disorder too ...  I only made it half way through the group and then had to leave ( the rooms are small and the door was closed i felt very claustrophobic and anxious).

 I am trying to build a support system in my life but so far nothing .   
 Sorry for rambling .. I am just a big mess with no Dr.  to talk to or anyone that understands .

Thanks Paulm 

I did have to get a brand new steel door and steel door frame , and I paid over $1200 for a iron cast screen door that has double locks ... so I am hoping the front door will be safe this time as it cost me over $2000 dollars to get new doors  .... but that will not stop them from coming in the back patio doors .. or windows 

I like the idea of an alarm company and am going to check into that ..   I do not know why I did not think of that but yes that is a great idea .   Thanks for all the advice  .. much appreciated !

Hi Peace

Thank you for responding ..   and thanks for sharing what you did and great to know that the Church was so supportive !   I am not religious and have never been to a church , but it was nice to know that the members can be so helpful and that there are people out there that care enough to help . 

     Good advice about not letting to many people know that my husband will be away ..    I have not told anyone on social media ..    and I do not use my real name on here .   I do not have any close friends  or I would have asked them to help me out .. No one knows about my situation other than anyone who read this post and the only reason I resorted to posting here is because I am desperate ( makes me sound pathetic and I feel pathetic )..

  I was wondering if anyone knew of of a trusted company that sends people out to look after senior's in their in home when their caregiver's are away ..   I always stayed with my parents overnight if they needed extra care .. so now that they are in nursing homes .. I have no idea who could come and stay at my home overnight .    I am not a senior   ,  and I am not a child ..       I am a woman  with severe anxiety , panic disorder , depression and now on top of all that PTSD   from the home invasion attempt.      Feeling so distraught over this ..  I wish I could be like a normal person  and not chronic anxiety and absolute terror of being left on my own , as I keep re living that home invasion attempt  .. it  is stuck in  my mind ..every sound outside scares me .. if someone knocks on the door my heart races .. I am afraid to go in the bathroom and run water in fear that someone will break down the front door again.. 

Thank you for wishing me luck !

General Discussion / I could use some advice during this difficult time
« on: January 28, 2016, 07:00:22 pm »
Hi  .   I am new here and desperate for suggestions ..  I have had anxiety most of my life and panic disorder for about 20 years .  I am on low dose of Clonazepam .  My sister was Bi-Polar and she suddenly passed on in 2003. she was my only sibling ,  both of my parents have later stage Alzheimer's  and I am POA over both .. they are in separate nursing homes now .. I was looking after them for many years, but it became too stressful ..  My dad has extreme behavioural problems and no government nursing home would take him .. I could only find one private care home to accept him and finally just had him moved to Veterans at Sunnybrook ,, which is a lot cheaper as the last home was costing a fortune !   I had to sell their home to pay for all their expenses .  I use to go over to their place and sleep if I was nervous .  Now I have no where to go if I am nervous .

  In May I had an attempted home invasion . I was heading in to take a bath and was in the upstairs bedroom . I heard someone knocking on the door and I never answer the door... but the knocking did not stop and got louder .. I just figured who ever it was would go away.              Then I heard a big noise and the house shook a bit ..  I knew right then that front door had been kicked in and I had not taken my anxiety pill for the morning yet and I had no phone  in the room I was in..the phone was downstairs ... and I knew i had only about 20 seconds or less to do something, as I could hear men's voices and I thought I was going to be killed ...I was shaking so badly and my heart was pounding so hard i thought I was going to have a heart attack ,, but I knew I had to do something quickly as they were coming into my home
 so  I have a deck on top of the garage and  i can access  it from my bedroom .. I got outside quickly and could see the two of them .. one was just about to enter my home..  So i stepped back so they could not see me and   I said in a really calm nice voice " Hello ,  sorry I was chatting on the phone , what is it that you wanted ? "   something to that effect to make sure they did not know that I knew they had kicked in my front door ...  One man said oh sh..  she is home and they went around the corner of my house but they left a big black bag on my porch ... 
so I knew they would be right back .. I ran downstairs and sat down and put my back up against the door and my feet against the wall to try and hold the door so that they would not come in... I was right they came back only a minute later and there is a window that floor to ceiling beside my front door ...   They could see me .. I saw them looking in the window and talking and I just kept thinking I was going to be killed ...  but they grabbed their bag and left .  I think they thought maybe I had time to call the police .. which I did not have time to even grab the phone ...   Anyway my husband is leaving on a trip to Europe in April and I am terrified of spending the nights in my home alone .  I have searched the internet to try and find if I could hire someone to come about 5 nights a week for a couple of weeks but have had no luck and they would have to be trust worthy .. I have no friends to take me in or check in on me and I have no family  ...    Can anyone offer any suggestions ?    I cant stay in a hotel as I would be afraid the door would be kicked in ..    I do not know how I am going to be able to stay alone in this house at night for a couple of weeks ... I will never sleep and I will be so anxious and I already had panic disorder before all of this .. I am shaking just thinking about being alone at night ...  Can some please talk to me about this .   

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