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Messages - messee

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Depression and Bipolar / Re: My story - a cautionary tale
« on: March 09, 2015, 10:40:40 am »
Have also recognized that my working skills are woefully out of date already.  Cannot believe I've been living in a dream state for so long.

Depression and Bipolar / My story - a cautionary tale
« on: March 06, 2015, 03:42:28 pm »
Just need this to be out there for people.  Younger people in particular.

I went on antidepressants in '98.  I was near the end of university at age 29, got bummed out and freaked out at what I was going to do with my life, dissatisfied with my marriage of 2 years.  Started on Paxil, didn't get much in the way of therapy.

The real deal is I was misguided, refusing to accept some realities of life (like the realities of work and the labour market, and how hard people really have to work, and the fact they need to keep doing it without much of a break).

I've been on antidepressants since, through therapies, including mindfulness (which came closest to 'working' -- though I had somehow still failed to comprehend some crucial things about being independent, working with, getting along with other people, things I should have seen but somehow couldn't or could not accept).

I held jobs long enough along the way to convince me I was OK; remarried and now have a wonderful son.  Last year, a wave of family stresses culminated in relations between my surviving family of origin on one side, and my wife and I on the other.  My lack of impulse control and interpersonal relationship problems had in the interim damaged my career a great deal.  My lack of impulse control has also led to me having a huge debt and no savings to speak of.

All of it disrupted me enough that I eventually went off work ill, and then on to LTD at the recommendation of a CAMH psychiatrist.  I think he was right that going back to work would have been impractical . . .  It's unlikely I'll be able to return to that position.

A therapist I started with last fall has done me some good with DBT and interpersonal therapy.  And I realized a lot of things I had been told even ten years ago that just hadn't sunk in.

 This is a caveat for others.  I don't have a delusional disorder, but I have / had delusions of grandeur and similar things, which combined with other things have led me and my family to a cliff face.  I know there are others out there worse off than us in a lot of ways . .  . I should be grateful -- the lack of which was part of the problem all along.  Regardless if this saves anyone some pain, I want it out there.

All of this matches 'depression' . . .  and I have a family history, but I don't think the problem is organic . . . I think more than anything I'm pigheaded.   I want things to be just so, and they simply are not and never will be; I cannot accept it and I destroy myself in the process.   Maybe it's equivalent to a personality disorder, ultimately -- but all the diagnoses are almost irrelevant. 

What I'm trying to get at is that I hope people will take the WRAP idea about personal responsibility very seriously.   Only you can heal yourself . . . medicine has very limited tools, it can't fix you.

General Discussion / Re: A person can change/it's never too late.
« on: February 19, 2015, 08:13:03 pm »

General Discussion / Brain fog
« on: February 19, 2015, 08:11:56 pm »
Anyone else had any luck breaking out of the fuzzy brain feeling?

Thanks Soozan.  I have been through a similar cycle.  I've been on medication for fifteen years for depression,  think it stopped working; through half a dozen therapists..... 

So now 46 and will totally not get as good a job as I had last.

Will definitely check in at Progress Place and see what I can sort out.

Depression and Bipolar / Re: Depression Free Guarantee
« on: February 19, 2015, 08:03:28 pm »
Great idea!  I've been dreaming for a long time of a good app that would combine cognitive remediation and good AI-driven / "gamified" Cognitive Therapy.  Lots of ideas but not much in the way of skills.  But let me know if you need an imaginative help desk guy as a guinea pig.

Hey all,

I'm presently on LTD (6 mos), very much hoping to get back into the workforce, scared silly of the prospect.  Can't really go back to the old job.

Anyone have any suggestions on where there are volunteer opportunities (daytime) that aren't super-stressful and aren't super-competitive to get into?

Anyone have any encouraging stories about getting back to work after MD episode?

General Discussion / Humour
« on: February 06, 2015, 10:01:58 pm »
I could really use a good laugh, but I'm pretty disgusted with the state of comedy . . . all dirty jokes or insults.

Anyone got any suggestions for a laugh that won't provoke guilt, shame or self-loathing?

General Discussion / Re: A person can change/it's never too late.
« on: February 06, 2015, 10:00:39 pm »
Hey Pleeb,

Can you find that book title for us?

General Discussion / Help for Apathy?
« on: February 06, 2015, 09:59:25 pm »
At this point, I'm finding it really difficult to care about much of anything, or get motivated at all.

I'm managing to make sure my son eats reasonably, washes etc.  Getting myself cleaned up and out to appointments.  And that's about where my energy and willingness gets completely spent.

Taking my meds, though I cut back my ADD medication because it was making me too anxious -- but didn't really have any more gusto when I was taking those.  Taking vitamins.

I feel alternately apathetic and powerless . . . like even if I knew what I cared about at this point in my life, I wouldn't feel like it was worth it.

Working on ACT therapy which is based on values-oriented action . . . but in the absence of identifiable values, feeling a bit stuck.

General Discussion / Re: Goal Driven Chaos
« on: February 06, 2015, 09:53:09 pm »

I love your idea, and I hope it happens.  I hope that the design you have is it! 

However from the point we  are at, there will be years and maybe decades of work involved.   I say that having recently looked at research from McGill University where they are only now able to observe individual neurons in animal brains in real time as they activate. 

For you to establish yourself enough for your idea and design to move ahead in this field, I think you will need a regular job for at least the short or medium term, to support yourself while you find funding for your project.

Also would suggest that whatever family, friends, other supporters you have that you can connect with at the moment, that reaching out to them for their ideas as to how best to set your course over the next while would probably be helpful.

Very best

General Discussion / Chronic pain questions
« on: February 06, 2015, 09:41:18 pm »
Hey all,

One of the cofactors in depression for me is arthritis pain.  I developed hip arthritis first at age 29, now 46, it has worsened progressively; was told a replacement surgery is likely needed within 10 years (big stressor that I think pushed me into a major dep ep in the spring) .  I also now have issues with a knee, both shoulders.

Wondering if others have any similar experience?

General Discussion / Re: Introductions
« on: February 05, 2015, 02:01:43 pm »
hey all,

I'm going by Messee . . .  male, married, mid 40s, one kid, not working presently (LTD).  I have had depression and impulsivity issues for 20 yrs+

Like Jason noted above, my issues are not unlike ADD-- manifests with brain fog, inattention, poor memory, lack of focus; also includes serious ruminative / obsessive thinking  and  in my case has at times led to intense suicidal ideation.

I find that being socially isolated makes things a lot worse for me, which has been increasingly an issue since I went off work.  Happy to hear from anyone who would like to connect more, or has suggestions for volunteer opportunities.

General Discussion / Re: What did you do today? LOOKING
« on: February 05, 2015, 01:49:57 pm »
Hey all,

Have been off work since June due to depression with SI.  Doing TMS at CAMH presently (at least one more week).  After that I will be completely unoccupied.  Which I think is going could be deadly.

I'd like to be back in work but my confidence is very low in addition to my low / irritable mood, general brainfogginess, and other issues. I'm trying to find a volunteer opportunity during the day but I'm afraid most won't be interested in a middle aged guy with a mental health issue.

Anyone have any suggestions as to where is in need of volunteers?

BTW if anyone has contemplated taking extended med leave for depression -- I have to suggest it is not the best idea in all circumstances. 

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