Messages

241

General Discussion / Re: Marriage problems

« on: February 04, 2015, 05:39:16 am »

Thank you Paul, LuckyLou and Peace. I appreciate your advice, support and caring. The way I write this may be a little mixed up.

I spoke to my son last night. He says that his wife truly wants to go ahead with the separation. They have been unhappy together for a long time.

I spoke to my caseworker yesterday. She says that he should check out the Employee Assistance Program first. Advice from them. His best course of action as what to do. Of course based on what both of them wants. My caseworker has been through a separation. My son says he will go through the separation procedure with his wife. Applying, etc.

His wife says she will not expect alimony from him. She wants him to have some kind of a life too. There may be some guilt on her part for having her affair. She says that my son is a very good father. She will expect child support from him. My son knows that he has to support the kids. He will do so.

Again I have to say that my son and his wife both love their children very much. I know that my son is not an easy customer to live with. He is moody and stubborn (like me). My husband and I had a very tough time with him when he was a teenager. Deep down he does have a kind heart. My son realizes that what has been going on in the marriage has not been all her fault. I have sided with his wife when how he acted or what he said to her was not right. I guess that they are not on the same page anymore.

His wife has a very big heart. She would help anyone out in a heart beat. She is very loyal to her friends. I admire her for taking her friends kids camping, babysitting them and being kind and loving to them. The parents of these kids don't do much with them.

I realize I have to put my anger aside especially for the sake of the children. They have to be protected first and foremost. Yes, I can see that of course her mother is going to side with her daughter as I am doing with my son.

My daughter-in-law's parents are good people. They love the grandkids too. We have camped with her parents quite a few times. They have been very pleasant to me and my daughters and my husband when he was alive. Actually we introduced them to camping and they love it.
My daughter in law's mother has already suggested that we might want to take the grandkids on a holiday. Of course, my son would come too.
That shows that there will most likely  not be a problem about seeing the kids.

My son asked me if he could move in with me for a short while after the house has been sold, etc. and he can make plans as to where to live. I told him I already thought of that and it would be fine. He was very relieved by that. My caseworker says it may not be a bad think since I get lonely being on my own.

I will not speak ill of his wife in front of the children. One of the grandkids said something negative about his mommy. My son said that that was not nice. I agree.

Again I could go on and on. I believe things will fall into place.

Some of you are probably wondering why I am writing at this time of the night. You would think that it is because of the whole situation. That is not true. A little maybe but I have been having a health problem which keeps me awake. I usually catch up on my sleep later.

Again thank you everyone for being so caring. That is what I really love about this forum. You are my friends.

P.S. A big one I have to work on is being less judgemental of people.

Dragonfly

242

General Discussion / Re: Marriage problems

« on: February 03, 2015, 06:25:37 am »

Paul,

I thank you for giving some really good insight as to what can happen when a couple decides to part ways from a marriage. I am glad that you gave my post a thread of its own. This is a painful situation to me and my two daughters. I don't disagree with anything you said and am glad you wrote it.

A big question I have to ask is: My son works for a big construction company. He thinks that his company, union (I don't know which one) may pay for some costs incurred by this separation, divorce. He says he could probably get a lawyer through them. Again I don't know if this is true and if so would they have good lawyers. Anyone who has had experience with this situation could you please tell me know how to get a really good lawyer. Possible cost. I realize that maybe hard for someone to say. My son is going to talk to someone he works with who is going through the same situation.

I am not very knowledgeable about this whole  separation, divorce situation. I realize that the law is not always fair.

My two daughters and I have agreed that we will not talk about this situation in front of the two young children.

 Both the children go swimming and the Mom almost always takes the kids. My son does not always get home in time to and see the children swim. My grandson plays hockey. Again the Mom takes him tohockey. This is probably not relevant. Grammie as the kids call her (wife's mother) is almost always at each activity. I only go once in a while due to my health. I very much want to support and see my grandkids in these activities. I am scared to see my daughter-in-law and her mother there. I am afraid. I have quite a temper and don't let people walk on me these days. I don't want to lose my temper and say things I shouldn't. That would not be good and it would be terrible for the situation. I have to remain civil. That is going to be very hard. Again I don't know if this is relevant. I pay for the swimming and hockey for my grandkids. My son and daughter-in-law have been very appreciative of this. I will continue to support them financially with this but only through my son.

My daughter-in-law may end up living with the kids with her parents. This cannot be assumed. My son maybe with me.

There are so many if's and but's. This situation is in the very, very early stages.

I can probably help my son financially to a certain extent. I have to be careful with this. I have to look after myself also.

I think my daughter-in-law will let us see the grandkids, niece, nephew. As you say Paul things could get really nasty. My granddaughter has already expressed the worry that she may not see me, Oma, or er aunties. All three of us adore and are very good with these kids. They will ask to see us.

I could go on and on. I have already been very wordy. Thanks to anyone who will read this post.

Paul, I will definitely tell my son to get a very good lawyer soon. Thanks again Paul for your advice and support. I really appreciate. If anyone else would like to comment or share information on this separation, divorce situation effecting my son it would be most welcome.

I am sure that I will be posting about this situation again.

Dragonfly

243

General Discussion / Re: Surprised about the good support I got from a distress line

« on: February 03, 2015, 05:08:11 am »

Thank you so much for that post Paul. I am going to take all that information down. I would say I will be using some of these services in the next while with what I am going through right now.

Dragonfly 

244

General Discussion / Re: What did you do today?

« on: February 02, 2015, 01:55:48 pm »

Any advice anyone. Never been through something like this before.

245

General Discussion / Marriage problems

« on: February 02, 2015, 01:51:42 pm »

My family just found out that my daughter-in-law has been cheating on my son. There are two young children involved in this. My son was willing to work it out. She wants no part of that and wants out.

A plus is that my daughter-in-law and son both really love their kids.

My son is no saint and is not always easy to live with. He has a steady job as a labor foreman. My son likes the job he does and makes good money. My daughter-in-law works three evenings a week. It is a low paid job. That doesn't matter. The guy she is cheating with works at this same place she does and thats where they met. The guy lives in the basement of his mother's house. He has a young daughter. He works as a DJ on some weekends.

My son & daughter-in-law own a semi-detached house, a new travel trailer and an expensive used truck. My son wants to be fair and split everything down the middle. My daughter-in-law has never been realistic with money. She cannot have credit cards. She maxes them out and then doesn't pay. My son has an account in his name only or the money would be gone. My son is very tired at the end of the week. It is mental and physical work. She leaves my son alone with the kids and she goes out dancing or doing other things with her friends. She hardly does things with him.

My daughter-in-law thinks that when she leaves my son she is going to have such a better life. She is going to get a rude awakening when my son's support and money aren't  there anymore.

My son is naturally extremely hurt. So am I and his two sisters. We all adore the children. My granddaughter knows that she won't be living with Daddy anymore. As you can understand she is extremely upset. She is upset that she won't see Oma or her two aunties any more.

I could go on and on. I am very sad that my husband is gone. At least he won't have to go through this. He would be devestated.

I am sure I am not the first one to go through this.

Dragonfly

246

General Discussion / Re: What did you do today?

« on: February 02, 2015, 07:51:28 am »

Thanks for the post Rich.

Things are not good for me right now. Hard for me to comment.

Dragonfly

247

General Discussion / Surprised about the good support I got from a distress line

« on: January 30, 2015, 07:23:09 pm »

Hi everyone,

I used a distress line in my area twice in the last two weeks. I was very skeptical about getting through. I couldn't believe I did. A woman spoke to me the first time and a man the next time. Actually it doesn't matter about gender. Both people listened to me, very sympathetic and very caring. They helped me a lot. Of course, these depressed times usually come at night and on the weekend.

I have been going through quite a few situations lately that haven't been particularly pleasant.

Today my caseworker came to my house. She listened very carefully to my problems. She is a very good support and I like her very much.

I am more settled now and some of the situations have been taken care of.

Dragonfly

248

General Discussion / Re: Introductions

« on: January 26, 2015, 09:15:03 am »

I guess I haven't told much about myself. Just what I like to do. So here goes.

I suffer from bipolar II. In hindsight I know I have suffered from this illness since I was 12 years old. I wasn't diagnosed until I had my third and final child at the age of 30. I have had some very severe depressions to the point of being suicidal. Have also had periods of mania. Some of my moods were not helped by hormones. Puberty, having babies and a complete hysterectomy.

I am now 64 years old. It has been a long struggle. I am for the most part stable right now. I know my mental illness will never be cured.

I had a very wonderful, caring, supportive, loving husband. We just had our 39th wedding anniversary when he died (died is such a hard word to say - he passed away seems better) from cancer. It has been 3 1/2 years. I was scared I would go into a very severe depression. That didn't happen. Things have not been easy. I grieve for him. I know that will never stop.

I have 3 children and a daughter in law. My kids, daughter 38, son 35 and another daughter 33. Two wonderful grandchildren, a girl who is  8 and a boy 5 yrs. old. I adore them. My family has been very supportive of me. I don't know what I would do without them.

Besides my mental illness I also have other health problems. I try not to dwell on them and complain about them.

I have many limitations due to my health. I try to accept these. It is not always easy.

When I first joined this forum I was apologizing a great deal for my actions, etc. I learnt I didn't have to do this. This forum has helped me greatly and there are many friends here.

I have a very good supportive system from health professionals for all my health problems. I am very grateful for this.

I try to stay positive. For the most part I am friendly and caring of people. Something I have to work on is not being so judgemental of people.

Right now my son and daughter-in-law are having a hard time with their marriage. My son comes and confides in me. I tell him I can't take sides. I can be supportive of him though. I told him they need counselling. My son and daugher-in-law would lose so much if they split up. My two daughters also have their problems. As a parent you always worry about your children. I have to let things go though or I will get sick.

One thing I have learned is that you can't totally plan your life. Life thows unexpected curves.

I must admit that I am very wordy.

Dragonfly 

249

General Discussion / Re: Introductions

« on: January 23, 2015, 09:50:01 pm »

I go by the name of Dragonfly. I love spending time with my family. Going camping is a big one on my list. I like reading and doing crafts. Like Daniel I like playing with my two cats. Nature. Watching birds, animals, looking at plants. I like my computer. Researching, playing games, this forum. Gardening. Watch such shows as the Amazing Race, American Idol, Jeopardy. Movies.

250

General Discussion / Re: Online Support Groups

« on: January 22, 2015, 08:48:53 am »

Hi Peace,

I know what you mean about walking outside when it is dark out. I have done that often enough. I didn't want to meet my neighbours and talk to them. I would get too anxious. Peace like Paul said don't beat yourself up when you don't feel like walking. You can do it whenever you feel the time is right. If you feel like you should be doing this every night (don't know if that is what you are feeling) you will put pressure on yourself and not enjoy your walk and won't want to do it.

Do not feel like a failure Peace about not going shopping. I feel the most comfortable shopping with my oldest daughter. She understands that I  can't handle shopping too long. I get too tired. Then I get anxious.  My  daughter will take me home when I feel like this. My son is in his own little world most of the time. He doesn't see the signs when I can't shop anymore. I don't feel in control and again that is when I get anxious.

Bear with me. I feel like I am very wordy in my posts right now.

Thinking of you.

Dragonfly

251

General Discussion / Re: What's your definition of acceptance?

« on: January 22, 2015, 02:24:21 am »

Great post Peter,

Makes you think! 

Dragonfly

252

General Discussion / Re: What's your definition of acceptance?

« on: January 21, 2015, 11:09:09 pm »

to me, acceptance is accepting those things that are out of our control, like our illnesses and learning to live and move on with life despite those things we cannot change.

I don't have to accept the things I do have the power to change ... those things that are in my power, like my attitude and my circumstances, if I can change them with determination and hard work

Soozan I hope you don't mind me quoting what you said.

I much like and agree with what you wrote Soozan. There was no control about my husband passing away. He had incurable cancer. I have to accept the fact that he is gone. Believe me this is very difficult. My husband would want me to go on. Especially for my children, grandchildren and I suppose for myself.

As you say I do have the power to change things in my power. Standing up for my family when they aren't being treated right. Easier to do for them than myself. Assertion in unfair business dealings, etc. A lot of times you can't win. Sometimes yes. You can try.

This is probably a whole other subject. I am not a believer in organized religion. God does not come into it for me. A creator probably. Definitely a believe in nature. I am probably opening a can of worms. I should not be sharing my views on this subject. Everyone should believe what they want. 

Dragonfly

253

General Discussion / Re: Online Support Groups

« on: January 20, 2015, 07:47:47 pm »

Good going Peace! You must be so proud of yourself as all of us here are too.

Dragonfly

254

General Discussion / Re: Online Support Groups

« on: January 14, 2015, 01:23:21 pm »

Peace I would walk with you. I don't think we live near each other though.

Dragonfly

255

General Discussion / Re: Online Support Groups

« on: January 12, 2015, 07:53:36 pm »

Hi Peace, Don't apologize for posting that you are lonely. You shouldn't be embarrassed.

I happened upon the website www.connexontario.ca. I thought it may be of interest to you. I would say it is supported by MDAO. There is a helpline. You can also ask for help in finding support for your mental issues in your area. It says you don't have to provide a name.
I have never used any of the services provided by this website.
I am seriously going to keep it in mind. Have saved it under my favorites.
 I don't know why. My loneliness and sadness usually strikes when there is no one around to support me. Especially at night. Sometimes on weekends.

I hope this may help you.

Thinking of you.

Dragonfly