MDAO Forum

Support for People with Mood Disorders => General Discussion => Topic started by: Peace on September 16, 2015, 08:42:36 am

Title: Moral Dilemna
Post by: Peace on September 16, 2015, 08:42:36 am
My husband approached me a couple of weeks ago with a proposition. He's been looking at the prices of houses and feels he won't be happy living in the area he can afford with his portion of the proceeds from the sale of the house. His words were that it's a step down.

He had written up what he would offer me if I moved into an apartment and he stayed with my daughters in our home. He presented it in a family meeting 2 days before he left on a trip. My daughters never should have been included in that meeting. It was quite upsetting. His thought was we could discuss it together and I could give him an answer when he got back from his trip. He was going to give me half of the money for his motorcycle, which he has up for sale but is not selling, and keep me on his insurance policy and benefit package. He said he would help me get groceries. No money to me for my portion of the house. When I thought this through I realized he's been planning this for at least a couple of months. He'd even gone to see apartments I could move into and had brochures and information on the cost of rent.

It's very hard to find out how badly someone wants you out of their life.

I know the move and separation will disrupt my daughters, and there's even a part of me that cares about the position he'll be in. I'm agonizing over this. I'm very close to my daughters and both have talked to me about their future. I'm so scared the youngest will not attend post-secondary education if my husband doesn't purchase where it's accessible for her, and she's been talking about going since grade 7. I will do my best to find a place myself that will be accessible to both her job and college/university, but I'm limited by my need to be close to shopping. The areas I've thought of that meet these needs are very concrete without much greenery and not appealing.

My husband said if my disability gets cut off he will put the house up for sale. Currently it needs a fair amount of work. I don't trust him, and neither does my sister or my doctor.

My youngest was talking to me about her options last week and I was considering moving into a room somewhere so they could stay in the house to ensure she completes post-secondary education.

A huge part of my stress has been the lack of financial security I've felt throughout my marriage. I believe we'd be between $200,000 and $300,000 further ahead if he'd been less materialistic. I've sacrificed so much for so many years to offset this. I keep trying to remind myself of that when the guilt eats at me. Why should I continue to sacrifice? He's made no effort at all to slow down his spending so he'll have the money he needs to purchase a home that meets his standards, my oldest daughter believes his spending has increased. There's also the fact that he's nagged me to death until I've done what he wants from day one, and I don't want to continue that.

I told him when he returned from his trip Sunday that I need the proceeds from the sale of the house. It was a very hard decision for me to arrive at and I'm agonizing over it. Last night he tried convincing me again to allow him and my daughters to stay in the house. I was crying and he was still trying to talk me into it. He became very verbally abusive.

I guess I'm looking for reassurance that I'm not a horrible person for not agreeing to what he wants.

Another book.  ??? Thank you for listening.
Title: Re: Moral Dilemna
Post by: Dragonfly on September 16, 2015, 10:48:44 am

As you probably know my son is separated from his wife. He has been living with me for about a month. My son and daughter-in-law (I am going to call her his ex) have joint custody of their children aged 8 and 6. His ex has main custody of the children. My son can't be the main one because of his job. Since his ex has main custody my son has to pay her support payments. There is a table put out by the government that goes by how much my son makes moneywise in a year. It is law that he has to follow that. He has to pay her $1000.00 a month.

My son never wanted this separation. He wanted family life. She is not oriented that way. It really points to the fact that she has had an affair with someone for the last number of years. She won't admit to it. His ex is a liar in more ways than one. My son and whole family have caught her in lies.

Your husband sounds so much like my son's ex. The only way she thinks is: ME, MYSELF, and I. His ex loves the kids in her own way. If the kids interfere with what she wants though she still thinks about herself first.

Make sure Peace that you get half of the proceeds of the house. Do not feel sorry for him. You have tried to keep the family together for so long. Your husband is very irresponsible. He again wants what is best for him and his way. He wants the house and the girls living with him.

I don't know what the ages of your children are or how many you have. Have they expressed a desire of whether they want to live with you or your husband. When they are at age 12 they can choose who they want to live with.  If you have main custody of the children he will have to pay you support payments. As I mentioned above this is based on a table by the government.

I don't think your disability would be cut off. That is an area that I don't know about. Paul may know more.

If you have main custody of the children and are a single Mom I would say that you would get help from the government. This is probably what we used to call the baby bonus.

Your husband sounds like a really bully. I would not give into him about the house.

I don't really know your whole situation. It is not my place to tell you what to do. If you, your sister and doctor don't trust him I think that is telling you something.

You are not a horrible person, Peace. By not agreeing with what your husband wants you are being assertive. You will feel good about yourself if you oppose him. It is time he grew up and faced responsibility. Peace you certainly have been responsible and as you say have sacrified so much for him. That should stop now.

Your husband keeps nagging at you to wear you down about the fact that you want half the proceeds of the house.

I have always found you to be a very kind and thoughtful person on this forum. Even though you are having such problems you still support all of us here. Don't put yourself down.

Thinking of you.

Title: Re: Moral Dilemna
Post by: Dragonfly on September 16, 2015, 10:50:29 am
I would say that your husband has to provide benefits for your kids. I am not sure if that would apply to you.
Title: Re: Moral Dilemna
Post by: paulm on September 16, 2015, 03:51:47 pm
Hello Peace. I can sympathize with you over your situation. As your husband has announced that he wants a separation then it appears there is no going back and a lawyer is needed.

 First of all, usually who ever gets the best lawyer first wins.  Talk with a women's shelter in your area as they can help.  At this point your husband cannot make you move out. Even after a couple split, until everything is finalized it takes a court order to force one spouse out of the house.  So your husband can promise what ever he likes, but unless it is all on paper in the proper form, it means nothing. if you voluntarily move out, you would be surrendering a lot of possible rights 

 I did have a friend who thought that he could dump his wife and move in with a younger one , sell the original house , split the proceeds and have enough money to buy another house.
 His wife got a good lawyer, she was allowed to stay in the house until the kids were done university and my friend had to pay 1/2 of the taxes, maintenance and upkeep of the property for many yrs and then he could force the sale. So not only did he have to pay child support, he also had to pay to keep the place repaired and the taxes paid and if there had been a mortgage he would have had to pay 1/2 of that too.

 As far as him giving you half the value of the motorcycle etc, he has to do that any ways. I presume that you have been together for a long time and if you earn much less than him, because of your disabilities he may have to pay spousal support.  But again it's a complicated area of the law. Following my advice, without having a lawyer handle this is just asking for problems.

 When you talk to a lawyer, you can ask him the following questions.Do I have to pay all of your fees or does my spouse have to pay some.  Can my spouse force me out of the house? What happens if my spouse threatens me physically or abuses me verbally, because I won't move? (Most lawyers would then ask for a restraining order and then it would be your spouse that may have to leave the house)

 Once again I can't emphasis enough the need for a good lawyer. I've seen cases were the spouse used the other persons mental illness against them. By being the declared the better person to look after the children he got custody of the children.  The wife was then forced out of the home, forced to pay child support payments, 1/2 of the taxes and maintenance payments and in general screwed up a good portion of their life just because she felt "Lawyers are too expensive"   

 By the way, the courts do not care who or what caused the breakup, nor do they care about what you or I might see as being fair.  It matters not a wit whether you have been ill, or you husband has spent too much money or for that matter where your Daughter wants to go to university. The only way to come out ahead on those issues is to talk with a rep from a woman's shelter or abuse centre for advice and then go and see a lawyer as soon as possible.  Take Care. paul m


Title: Re: Moral Dilemna
Post by: Peace on September 17, 2015, 07:31:35 am
Thank you Dragonfly and Paul! It helped so much to hear I'm not horrible.

I realize I threw a lot of financial stuff into my post which probably confused things. I did it mostly to justify myself. I know the courts don't care what's fair, who spent what, that I have lived as a pauper. All said to justify me not agreeing to move into my own place and to leave the home to my family. To explain the situation in a way to help with the agony I feel.

At this point for a variety of reasons we're both needed in the home. My husband probably more than me.

I know I need to get a lawyer. The key is I need to get a good lawyer. I was trying to juggle everything at once. Finding a lawyer, finding a place to live, finding support to help with the basics (grocery shopping, etc). I have taken steps to locate a good lawyer. Asked my doctor, my family, my friends. Came up empty handed. Made some initial calls to lawyers. I was becoming overwhelmed and still am overwhelmed.

I decided in an effort to maintain my health I decided I need to focus on one thing at a time. I chose to focus on getting myself on a waiting list for support with the hopes that support might also have suggestions about a lawyer and a place to live. I will be seeking the assistance of a lawyer once I'm at least on waiting lists for support, I just don't want to end up with someone who isn't good.

To get the support in place I talked to my social organization who will be doing some research, my doctor who didn't know, emailed who I thought was the Red Cross based on google, but who isn't, talked to my church secretary 2 days ago and now have the email address for my minster to ask her, messaged an employee of MDAO, and left a message for CMHA yesterday. It's the 2nd message I've left for CMHA. I'm going to call them every 2 days now until they answer me. I need help.

Again I turned this post into more than what I meant it to be  :'( A plea for reassurance I'm not horrible for not agreeing to what my husband is asking.  :-\

Title: Re: Moral Dilemna
Post by: Dragonfly on September 18, 2015, 08:55:03 pm
Hi Peace,

Don't every think you are horrible for not agreeing with your husband. You are not that type of a person.