Author Topic: Husband won't seek help  (Read 26500 times)


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Husband won't seek help
« on: December 28, 2017, 02:10:50 pm »

First post here, so bear with me :)

I believe my husband has long-term depression and some generalized anxiety.  He's been on a slow steady decline for years, since we first met 20 years ago and is no longer very functional in my opinion, including not being able to work much.  He fluctuates from coping ok, to long bouts of anger, quick to frustration, intolerance, etc.  That's where we're at now.  He got so upset during a conversation we were having at lunch that he yelled at me to just fuck off and left the restaurant. His behaviour is sometimes out of control and inappropriate for the situation, like today's was.

I've started getting some help myself to better understand depression, and am hoping to join a WRAP for Families group in the new year. This help has given me a more objective take on his behaviour, some of which I can accept as being driven by his illness and some of which just isn't cool with me (eg today's behaviour). 

My problem is that he won't get any help.  He feels awful, but has no faith in therapy and won't see a psychiatrist.  He won't talk with his doctor about his mental health. He has other health problems that contribute to his mental health (not well controlled hypothyroidism).  Generally he is averse to outside help for health issues.   He does smoke a lot of pot.

I often think about whether I can keep this up.  I'm feeling so torn, because i do still love him. Our relationship is terrible, and i don't feel confident we can fix it on our own.  My guilt is really high right now, because I am suffering too and often want to throw in the towel, but I really honestly believe he is sick.  I've accepted that if he has to choose to get help, so I really don't push it anymore.  I'm working on establishing boundaries to safeguard my own wellbeing, but I suspect that these will only lead to further isolation from each other.   I know I contribute to the relationship problems too, for eg my communication with him is not good, but I'm trying to improve it.

Guess I really just needed a place to vent.  I feel really hopeless right now, and I don't know who else to really talk to.

Thanks and hope you're doing well this holiday season.


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Re: Husband won't seek help
« Reply #1 on: January 05, 2018, 10:03:53 pm »
Hello RiverNymph and welcome. Joining a Frap group is certainly a step in the right direction. I can understand both of your positions. When I was really ill, I didn't want to see a psychiatrist as I thought I would end up wearing a label and/or I would be mocked by my friends and/or a whole lot of other things including being turned into a zombie.

 I also understand your frustrations as I have a son who wouldn't get help for a number of years. Plus I nearly drove my wife off of the edge with my own behaviours during my worst years.

 I won't list my bad behaviours when I was ill as it would fill several pages, but if it's any consolation that our worse years were around the 20 yr mark and we have now been together for almost 43 yrs. 

 Like you my wife had to take steps to protect herself and our family, but it did eventually all work out.

 In regards to smoking a lot of pot. I'm not a medical expert but I have talked to a lot of people who used pot and while it certainly does help some, I've never met anyone who smoked a lot of pot and got better(Or drank a lot of booze) . I'm not anti pot or anti booze, both can have benefits, but both are notorious depressants.

 Please ask more questions or use the forum to vent. Trying to help someone get better can be a long and tough journey. Take Care. paul m