Lost fiance

[Littleorchid]

Dear people of the net,

My fiance left me on christmas for reasons that are more or less fair. I was abusing pot which made my moodswings too much for him to handle once the withdrawel process started (have not smoked since christmas). He wants to be friends but the process has been laboursome to him. I cannot seem to keep my cool during most every conversation. It reached the point where he said I should not contact him untill i am finished treatment and my mood becomes Stablized. I am currently attending aa meetings and switched to alcohol.

Firstly, my main concern should be remaining sober, but the lack if his presence in my life is a huge trigger. He was my only friend it seems. I have an autistic spectrum disorder so it becomes difficult to connect with people since i either over share or don't share at all. Or i just snap at people and no one wants a snappy friend.

Secondly, I am taking abilify which really helps - i barely argue with my mom now. I had to move back in with her when my fiance kicked me out. Yet still with my ex i cannot contain myself.

Thirdly not txting my ex has been hell. And knowing that holding on to the hope of his return is futile is even more damnning. I know that I should respect the space he has requested and that even if I didn't... it would eventually lead to him blocking me etc. I thought of writing him a letter and sending it in the mail so that no harsh words would be exchanged. I feel more stable now as the weather gets better and i forcemyself to leave the house.

Completely overwhelmed by lonelyness and self hatred
Littleorchid

[Stenacron man]

Sounds like Asperger's syndrome  and that is really tough to work with. Your awareness of interaction is very important and it sounds like you are well informed about it. I can understand you need to have that relationship intact. But you must understand that in the real world like people without mental illnesses can't even have long term relationships anymore. Having a relationship and having mental illnesses is damn near impossible. I have found dating women with mental illness  easier cause they can at least comprehend my side or view. Just focus on you, if you are broken everything in your life will be broken.



Buddy Mack.

[paulm]

Hello LittleOrchid and welcome. I can sympathize with your loss. You seem to analyzed your position pretty well. You have said alcohol is not answer to a better life, neither is abusing pot.

 You answer your own question when you say "Yet still with my ex i cannot contain myself." No spouse is going to put up with chronic abuse or at least very few are.

 What can you do? Talk to your doctor about it, see if your doc can recommend some sort of cognetive behavioural course, many places have them free of charge on an out patient basis. CBT helps you to change the way you think and behave.

 Your friend has not told you that they are not interested in a future relationship. They have said until you quite drinking and you finish what ever treatment course you are taking they are not interested. That's because he has to protect his own mental health.  I'm not sure what treatment course you are taking, but while AA is helpful to many it is not a course that will prevent you from drinking in fact you don't even have to be sober to go to an AA meeting.  If you are taking an approved substance abuse course, you will not be drinking as the first thing they do if they catch you drinking is kick you out.

 You can mail him a letter, but unless it contains the words "I no longer have a substance abuse problem of any kind or I am going to take an approved substance abuse course" then perhaps he will stick around, until then he has made it clear that he is not interested in contact and mailing him a letter will do you little good.   

 I wish you luck, as addictions are hard to kick. Good Luck and Take Care. paul m

[paulm]

Hello Buddy Mack. I realize that your reply was meant in good faith, but unfortunately it is wrong. Your statement that "Having a relationship and having mental illnesses is damn near impossible" is a statement that causes stereotypes and stigma.

 People with a mental illness do have a higher rate of divorce but not when you remove alcohol and the desire to be treated and get better from the equation it is not that much higher than the general population.

 Proper studies from all over the world have shown that alcoholism and mental illness do cause a lot of break ups as does a mental illness and not taking all of the steps necessary to get better can lead to an increase in separations.

 No doubt many people with a mental illness end up divorced or separated from a partner , but so do a lot of other people with no mental illness.  On this forum and on the MDSC forum probably as many regular posters over the years have been in a long term relationship as who got divorced or broke up.

 While many mental health sites promote the idea of mental health being the cause of breakup, it seldom makes the list of top 10 for divorce in articles like the Huffington post below.

 Having a mental illness may make relationships harder with someone who doesn't have a mental illness may make it harder, but it certainly doesn't make them impossible or even unlikely. Take Care. paul m

http://www.bipolar-lives.com/bipolar-and-divorce.html        http://www.huffingtonpost.com/yourtango/10-most-common-reasons-people-divorce_b_8086312.html
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4011132/

[Stenacron man]

I should have noted form a personal prospective.

[Dragonfly]

I must say also that it is not impossible to have a relationship when you have a mental illness. That is from personal experience. It may be that having a mental illness does cause problems in the marriage. You have to think that your personality is not defined by mental illness.

What bothers me sometimes and hurts is the empathy that some people have for the spouse that does not have the mental illness. I know it is hard for that spouse. What people forget is that the person with the mental health problem may be very supportive to your spouse who has problems with other issues.

It has been said to me that if their spouse has a mental illness like mine that they would leave that person. That really hurts. No one asks to suffer from a medical problem like mental illness. Just like no one asks to have cancer, diabetes, etc.

Dragonfly

[Peace]

I am with you fully on that, Dragonfly.

My sister and I realize my dad was a huge contributing factor to my mom being in hospital much of our childhood. My oldest brother has never acknowledged this, he just continues to view what happened within our parents marriage as being due to my mom's mental health issues. If my dad had been less critical, more supportive, and less narrow minded regarding mental health my sister and I are certain our mom would have suffered much less.

I'm in the same situation myself now. Told my husband would not have married me had he known I was prone to mental health issues. My youngest daughter is telling people our marital breakdown is due to me having a breakdown due to work and never recovering, which is quite upsetting considering I'm an abused woman, a huge contributing factor to my situation. In reality the marital breakdown is because I separated our bank accounts and started being assertive instead of allowing my husband to completely disregard my needs and wishes, and my husband does not like that.

Yes, my OCD has not been easy to live with and I am not perfect, but I had been planning to leave my marital situation before I became unhealthy and it does hurt for it to be insinuated that I'm the reason for the marital breakdown when in reality if I had chosen to I could have had my husband charged and removed from the home due to abuse.

Hugs to everyone dealing with this. 

Peace

[Dragonfly]

Hi Peace,

 So glad that you have become stronger (always thought you were strong anyway) and have stood up to your husband. It is so easy for some people to shift the blame of their problems on a spouse that has a mental illness. Sounds like you didn't have a mental problem before your husband became abusive.

Peace you have always been very kind to everyone on this forum. From what I gather you gave your husband every chance to help and be supportive of you. I am glad that you are moving on. Your husband doesn't realize what he is losing.

Dragonfly
 

[Littleorchid]

Thank you for the support guys

Peace, I am glad that you are taking things into your own hands and wish I had that type of strength. You will be my inspiration for today. Also my dad doesn't have a clue about mental health and the things he has said in the past about why I do things or why things turn out a certain way have been quite hurtful. I feel you.

I've re-astablished a dialogue with my ex. He is open to seeing me and talking as long as I remain dignified. My addiction is more or less under control. It gets in the way though when I give in - but I try to use my failure as a lesson. The loneliness is overwhelming but I try to deal with it like a healthy person. Keeping a safe distance from my ex also reduces the chances of my freaking out I guess. I think having an ASD just makes everything seem like a bigger deal than it actually is so I try to keep that in mind. It is not much comfort though when my mind and heart are taking me places I don't really have complete control over. People say we can move on, that horrible things happen in our lives and we just find the strength to deal with it. Yet I am sure I will not recover from this. 

My mother has ptsd and my dad doesnt understand but they have been able to maintain a loving, although flawed relationship. I think communication is a big factor and even "healthy" people do not communicate properly. For example. In rehab I learned that we need to own our emotions and make that clear when we talk to other people. Saying "you made me feel..." is considered a big no no since technically no one can "make" you feel a certain way. Like when I fly off the handle and I say "you made me feel like..." it's bad communication because
1 - I am probably exaggerating and/or not dealing/owning my emotions.
2 - the other person becomes defensive from the onset because they are being blamed for something
3 - the actual issue gets lost

[paulm]

Hello Littleorchid. Good points. I'll have to remember them.  We've been married a very long time and while we get along quite well, a lot of our arguments start over trivial things.We don't argue a lot, but sometimes trivial issues can get blown way out of proportion.  They seem major at the time, but often looking back they are very trivial. When you said :

" 1 - I am probably exaggerating and/or not dealing/owning my emotions.
2 - the other person becomes defensive from the onset because they are being blamed for something
3 - the actual issue gets lost  "

 That about cover 90% of our arguments and from both sides. My wife can inadvertently say something that triggers something in me when it shouldn't even be a trigger and vice versus and so on.  Take Care. paul m