Need to talk and question

[Peace]

I just wanted to share a bit an example of what my life has been like.

Last Sunday was a bad OCD day for me. I went to the kitchen to get my dinner. My husband was in the connecting family room watching TV. When my OCD is bad I have a low tolerance for noise. I asked my husband to turn the tv down. He told me I'm not normal. I returned to the basement. My oldest daughter overheard and told him he was wrong to say that. I went back upstairs to bring the laundry in from outside. He told me to give him a 15 minute warning for when I wanted to eat. I went out to bring the laundry in and had forgotten how much of a warning I had to give so I asked him. He told me I was wacko. He made the gesture people make by saying someone is crazy by twirling his index finger around his ear. I decided to get my dinner and return back downstairs to eat it. During the time I was getting my dinner he called me wacko around 7 more times. I went downstairs to eat my dinner. Around 10 minutes later and for no reason out of the blue he started singing "oh it's so nice to be with you, I love all the things you say and do." I was crying and choking while I was trying to eat.

This is just one example of what my life has been like, it's by no means an isolated incident.

Now to my question. My psychiatrist is encouraging me to get a two bedroom apartment. He said I won't be able to pay child support during the time my youngest is attending university. He told me I'm entitled to spousal support. I said to my psychiatrist that I care about my husbands future and wouldn't claim spousal support. My psychiatrist said based on what I've told him over the years I have every right to claim it. I feel guilty about thinking about spousal support.

My situation: I receive money from CPPD that is taxed. I receive money from my work disability insurance provider that is not taxed. A website I looked at said the calculation is based on gross income and gave a formula for general cases.

The potential exists that if they factor in that my husbands money is taxed and my work disability is not and increase the amount I receive based on that I could end up owing spousal support. Does anyone know a link where this might be mentioned? I've looked myself and haven't found anything.

I hope it doesn't sound like I'm trying to get whatever I can from my husband because that is not at all the type of person I am.

I will be finding and seeing a lawyer soon. I'm working on finding support right now and on ways to ensure my youngest daughters education is paid for.

Thanks again everyone for listening to me and for your support and feedback. It means so much to me. 

[Dragonfly]

Hi Peace,

I support you. You are a very kind person. You are still thinking about your husband. You know it will be hard for him to live if he has to pay you spousal support.

I don't entirely understand your situation. I do emphazie with you.

I must say that my daughter-in-law gets child support from my son. She did not want spousal support. She realizes that my son has to live too.

Already living on her own with the kids being there most of the time is not what she thought it would be. My daughter-in-law is starting to realize how much my son contributed to the family. Taking care of the kids by spending quality time with them and other needs. Cleaning the house, grocery shopping, managing the money, etc.

Not knowing your situation I am wondering why your psychiatrist is urging you to get a 2 room appartment.

I really don't understand what is going on in your family. What I do understand is that you are a very kind person and don't want to take advantage of people. You think of other people first and not yourself.

I hope things will start working out for you. It will take time. I think that you are stronger than you believe yourself to be.
It sounds like you will be better off without your husband. He has been bringing you down in every which way for so long.
My son is happier without his wife. The constant bickering, etc. The one thing that really hurts him is that he can't see the kids everyday. His daughter already wants to live with him full time. Unfortunately that is not possible right now. She is only eight.

I hope I haven't talked to much about my son and grandchildren. It is you that needs the support right now.

Thinking of you.

Dragonfly

[paulm]

Hello Peace.First of all I will say that I agree with Dragonfly and that I can empathize with you. I can't tell you who would have to pay who as it depends on a large # of variables. Plus spousal support isn't always mandatory if the incomes are reasonably close, but close doesn't mean equal. Once again, I can't even give you a definition of reasonably close as the formula is complex. The gov't even advises that special soft ware may be needed to calculate it and that you should talk to a lawyer.

 Below is a gov't website that gives guidelines and they have this to say about non-taxable income

As one specific example of imputing income, non-taxable income (for example, the income of aboriginal persons earned on reserve and disability benefit income) may be grossed-up for the calculation of spousal support under the without child support formula as it is grossed up for the calculation of child support under the Child Support Guidelines. A party’s grossed-up income is the amount of gross, taxable income the party would be required to earn in order to have an income net of taxes equivalent to the non-taxable income. CSG s. 19(1)(b); SSAG §6.6

 The whole website stresses that it is only a guideline and not law, unlike child support which is practically hammered into stone. But it gives a variety of examples of what and when gross income is not used.  Take Care. paul m

Click on the link that is near the bottom of the page that is called Tools For Using The Guidelines.  http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/fl-df/spousal-epoux/ssag-ldfpae.html

For the guideline on defining range of spousal support click on the link near the top of the page.

[Peace]

Thanks Dragonfly and Paul. Much appreciated! 

It seems to me that my income will most likely be grossed up. I read somewhere else that income from date of marriage may also be factored in so all that overtime I worked in an effort to offset his spending could be detrimental to me. As mentioned before I've spent almost nothing on myself in an effort to keep the family together financially. I was hoping when everything was finalized I could treat myself to some things (mattress for my bed as an example) when I no longer had the fear of what my husband was spending, but the more looking into things (additional costs of the basics such as food, etc.) I do the more I see that might not happen. The unfairness of this is mind boggling to me.

I opened up to my psychiatrist yesterday about a few things. I told him about the incident that happened on Sunday. When I had gone for a walk with my friend later that day my husband was walking up the street. Without even thinking about it I ran to my friends house and hid behind her bushes as soon as I saw him. My psychiatrist said the name calling is extremely detrimental to a person and the impact underestimated. He added PTSD due to my living situation to my "labels".

My psychiatrist is recommending a 2 bedroom apartment in case there's the potential for my younger daughter to live with me. As the youngest I slipped through the cracks when my parents separated so I'd love to have a 2 bedroom apartment so my daughters, especially the younger one, have options of where they can live or even spend some time in case they need it. Financially I'm not sure I can do it.

The pressure of everything I have to think of, all the contacting to try to set up support for myself, and my living situation is really taking it's toll on my health.

[momfellinglost]

You need a lawyer the rules for support are often only applied if it goes to court and they have a lot of factors to consider it is never as easy as they make it sound. Couples can make their own deal with lawyers but talk to one before you do anything and make sure you give him/her any offers he has already tried to get you to sign. But don't sign anything with out talking to a lawyer it can be done with out going into court. He may have already talked to one and know he won't come out the way he wants so is trying to get you to agree with something else.  You could also check out a few independent websites that people rate lawyers. Ask around and check the local womans shelter they may have some names