I want revenge

[Dragonfly]

Hi everyone,

My son has been living with me for about a month. Separated from his wife. His wife wanted the separation and was cheating on him. I so want to tell her off and when I see the boyfriend him also.
I cannot do this. I have to think of my grandchildren and my son.
When my son's wife comes to pick up the kids I am usually not around or if I see her I only talk about the kids to her. I don't even say hi to her.

The kids are taking swimming lessons in the fall. I go and watch them sometimes. I don't think I can sit with my son's wife and her mother who comes almost every week. If her boyfriend comes I don't know what I will do. I have never seen him in person. On facebook yes.

How can I control my temper and the feeling that I need revenge. I am scared to be around my son's wife, boyfriend and mother. They are all such losers. According to my pdoc and caseworker I am not suppose to use the word losers.

The kids were with my daughter-in-law on the weekend. She went camping. The kids spoke to their daddy on Sunday. They both missed there Daddy and wanted to come to my house where their Daddy lives now.
My daughter-in-law is there for the kids physically but not mentally or emotionally. She always has friends around and is constantly texting. The kids feel this and want to be with their daddy, my son who spends quality time with them.

Dragonfly

[GrizzlyMantooth]

Hey Dragonfly,

I'm sorry to hear you are having a rough time lately. I think "losers" as a term to describe people you dislike is probably one of the nicest terms there is...maybe your ppl are just trying to change your negative thinking in general and that includes other people? I get angry all the time at random people doing stupid stuff and have to bite my cheek hard.

As far as mental techniques go, I'm not really sure if I have anything that has worked to calm a specific qualm I have with someone. I try relaxation techniques and meditate, and sometimes that helps calms my nerves but other times it doesn't. It's not something that you could really do full force while being in the same viewing area at swimming but something as simple as concentrating on my breathing seems to help. Also, since noises and people talking in public often trigger me I have found that listening to relaxing music that you enjoy or even sounds of nature help quite a bit. Also, reading a book helps me on the subway sometimes.

I think the idea is to place things that you enjoy as a mental barrier to your trigger so you can go about your business. In your case watching your grand kids swimming while creating a safe and relaxing space for yourself to enjoy the moment.

[Dragonfly]

Hi GrizzlyMantooth,

How are you doing? Well I hope.

Thank you for supporting me in my struggles with the separation of my son and his wife.

I am going to take your advice and focus on my grandchildren when I go to watch them swimming. My 2 daughters come along too sometimes and for the first few times I see the kids swimming I will have them come with me. My son, and daughters will sit with me and not with his wife and her mother.

Just to let you know. My son had the 2 kids last night at my house. My 2 daughters where there also. My granddaughter did not want to leave when her mom picked her and her brother up after her work at about 9:30 p.m. She enjoys herself much more at my place. Everyone pays attention and does things with her and her brother.

Dragonfly

[Peace]

Hi Dragonfly 

My heart bleeds for you in this situation. You obviously have the feelings you do because you love your son and grandchildren very much, and who can fault you for that?

I've had people I've wanted to tell off for abusing and using family members I love. One is my dad's ex-girlfriend and the other is the wife of my deceased brother. What I have done is talk to my sister, I've thrown a pillow at my wall and screamed at the top of my lungs when no one is in the house to hear me, and I wrote a letter to my siblings about my dad's ex-girlfriend and what I went through at her expense. My brother (the one who is still with us) is appalled at what I went through, was very supportive, and glad I opened up. I also had a talk one day with my minister about not wanting my dad's ex-girlfriend at my funeral. I went in saying I know I should forgive and worrying about what my minister thought of me, and left feeling justified for my feelings due to my minsters open mindedness. Hoping some of my methods may help you.

I see nothing wrong with you using the term loser. I wouldn't call them that to the grandchildren or anyone who might take offense to it (your son or anyone else you know), but by all means call them that here.

For the swimming it's a great idea to take someone with you who knows how you feel for moral support.

Thinking of you.

[Dragonfly]

Hi Peace,

Thank you for your insight. I have talked to my sisters, brother and wife and other extended family about my feelings. They are very supportive.

I may just write a letter to my son's wife to express what I feel. I wouldn't mail it though.

My grandson who is 6 is already becoming very confused about the whole situation. He doesn't know why my son won't visit his mother. When the family reprimands him for bad behavior he says everyone hates him. It hurts so much to see him this way. For that reason I have to be civil to his mom and not create more anguish for him. The family needs to support and tell him we love him no matter what.

Thanks for your thoughts.

Dragonfly

[LuckyLou]

Dragonfly I can totally understand your feelings towards your sons ex I would be angry too it sounds like u have come up with a good plan to handle it and I am glad to hear u have support of family. Just remember to breathe when you see her

[momfellinglost]

I too know how you feel. But remember your grandkids will thank you many years from now for doing the right thing for them. You can just tell your self that it is for them that you bite your lip and say nothing nasty. It might help if you write her a letter that you won't mail or give to her. It can get out all the feelings you are holding in. It might not be a good a feeling as you think it would to say it to her. But if you were to say something where your grandkids are imagine their faces when grandma does it. And in the end you won't feel good about it. I know you won't do it but sometimes it can feel that you might feel better if you do but you won't. Deep breaths and keep saying it is for my grandkids that I behave and I am nice person.