Hello K9sedona. I agree with what Momfeelinglost has said. I also agree that what your spouse is doing is a form of abuse and she may need some counseling, anger management etc. But maybe not. None of what is below is a criticism of anybody, it's just part of waht ended up working in my life and it may not work in anyone else's.
I can't offer you any great solutions. For a while , it seemed like my wife had some some anger management issues, but in hind sight it turned out that most of them were a) frustrations issues caused by a combination of a variety of factors including my illness and how our lives were progressing , b) how she had learned to argue while growing up and c) our combined inability to work together to solve the problems.
I can tell you how my wife and I dealt with arguments, but I can't say that will work for you. There have been times when my wife and I just couldn't talk about our problems. Partly because some of the problems were long standing ones brought on by my having bipolar(re-occurring problems that my wife was fed up with) and partly because we didn't understand each others arguing process.
I'm the type of guy who has to settle things now, my wife when she is mad, would rather not talk about it then and/or is not reasonable about it. ( Of course I'm the most reasonable guy in the world when I'm upset LOL) . She can also stay mad for a long time. That is just her nature, she's not abusive to me, providing I don't keep trying to keep arguing and/or find solutions while she is still mad.If I don't shut up, then all bets are off and it may take her a couple of days to get over her upset. I get upset much easier and more often than her, but then it's forgotten about. Both styles of getting mad or upset can be irritating.
So for a while, I would write down what was upsetting me about her behaviour(refusal to discuss things, anger over my illness etc) and what I thought I had done wrong(or not). I would then wait until she was in a reasonable mood and give her the letter. Sometimes it was hard to not start the letter by saying " you're being a B**ch about this, but that seldom produced good results. Rather I would start out by saying that nothing I had wrote was necessarily correct, but that I would appreciate if she could think about the items and then we would discuss them latter.
It didn't always work, but if I included a card saying I loved her etc, it often had a higher chance of success. Nowadays, when we get into an argument, both of us usually quickly realize that it's going to be none productive and we agree to stop and put it off for a day or two and then come back to the topic. We also had to learn NOT to say hurtfully things in the heat of the moment. We didn't call one another a dummy or stupid, but she would often say "oh you are just like your father", a comparison I didn't appreciate, or I might say, "well your like the rest of your family" and that didn't make her happy either. When angry, both of us are quite capable of using words that can hurt, without them seeming to be abusive to an outsider.
Other minor, but major things. My wife feels that I apologize too easily and thus feels that I will repeat the mistake and figure that an apology will get me off. I think that my wife doesn't apologize enough when she is wrong. In fact she so rarely sez that she is sorry that after 40 yrs I can still count on the fingers of one hand the number of times she has apologized to me. Her viewpoint is that if she is wrong, then she will not repeat the behaviour and that is better than an apology. I don't entirely agree, but I understand her point.
We did go through the "if you don't know, I'm not going to tell you etc etc" , but I discovered that I also had irritating little habits, like saying " Yes Dear" when I wasn't really listening or telling her I'm sorry I was late and then be late again that afternoon.
I hope that you can find a solution. Take Care. paul m