Author Topic: Motivation and Positivity?  (Read 2929 times)

Lysta

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Motivation and Positivity?
« on: March 05, 2015, 12:13:38 am »
So as I'm sure a lot of you can relate, I have had decades of people telling me to "shake it off", "make the choice to be happy" and any number of other asinine suggestions. My mother describes me as a very melancholy child. I am an only child and we moved roughly every two years when I was growing up. I don't know which thing led to what but by my mid teens I was in a deep depression. Turns out of course that every family doctor in the 20+ years that followed felt they were the expert on mental health issues and never sent me for further help, just kept changing my meds cause I kept telling them I didn't feel better and often felt worse. Where they should have clued in was when I would tell them about how I would go days without sleeping, spend thousands in a day, gamble away mortgage payments etc, etc.

I was put on disability 5 years ago. 2 weeks later, my husband left me for a friend I had considered close. He has all but abandoned my children. I was forced to sell the home I'd had custom built, had to change my children's schools to be able to afford a place to live. I was told (and I agree) that I could no longer work in the field I had gotten quite far in, my body is falling apart, I have gained 100 lbs. with all the meds I'm on. I was forced to withdraw from school cause I just got too sick (stress etc).

Here's where I'm going with this. I get out of bed every morning....but only for my kids. I used to love cooking but now feel too ill physically or too tired emotionally. My life is not even a shadow of what it was, even though I'd been ill for years. How is it you find the motivation to get things done or to remain (or even be) positive. I have no friends.....the ones who didn't bail over my disabilities bailed as a result of my jerk of an ex-husband and are not interested in rekindling a friendship. This leaves me sitting alone, all day, most days. I have my daughter home most evenings and my son half the time (he's out with friends the other half). Evenings are easier for me for sure but they aren't going to be with me forever, though my daughter wants to be LOL.

I guess I just don't know how to get out of this funk. I know in my mind getting up and doing things will help my mood but my body is not allowing that to happen a lot of the time. How am I ever supposed to feel better or be successful when my body and my mind are talking turns assaulting me? Sorry that this wasn't the most positive of posts :(

paulm

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Re: Motivation and Positivity?
« Reply #1 on: March 05, 2015, 05:28:24 am »
Hello Lysta and welcome. Please don't worry that your post may seem less than positive. Sometimes life is pretty negative. While we can't cure you , we can certainly allow you to vent out some of life's frustrations and having any major, hard to treat illness is very frustrating.

 How do you find motivation? There are thousands of books written on that subject and I disagree with almost everyone of them. As I said, I can't cure you, but perhaps I can share part of my story and maybe that will help some, it might not either.

 The roots of my bipolar go back to my child hood and at times I was a difficult, easy to anger child/teenager/adult. I tended be be either an over achiever or an under achiever with little in between. I did very well in my chosen career until illness took it away from me. I was treated for a wide variety of mental disorders for many years , none of which were right and when they finally did get the right diagnosis is was very hard to find and then get the proper treatment.

 Along the way, I lost most of my friends and ticked off most of my relatives permanently. I've never owned a home(it's hard to do when you blow every penny you have during manic phases) and at times I became all too knowledgeable about our court system.

 Probably the best thing I ever read was that I had to have some hope.  I learned to have hope by seeing just how ill others around me were and then watching or listening to how they got better.  My own favourite saying is that I must be going to heaven, because I've been through hell(the extended tour LOL) and the devil didn't keep me.

 I'm nobody special and I can't say that I'm well, but I am better and I do enjoy life again 9 days out of 10. Nor am I saying that my illness was any more or less worse than the next persons.

 So after acquiring some hope, what did I do next?  I had to take ownership to my illness. It wasn't my fault that I got ill, it wasn't my fault that I did some stupid things or blew money like it grew on trees and it certainly wasn't my fault that some of my docs were less than expert in mental illnesses. However it was my illness, not my friends or relatives or even my doctors and no matter what happened or who I blamed, I was still going to be stuck with it.

 It would be easy and hypocritical for me to say that I took charge of my own illness and that I got better all on my own. I didn't. However on my good days, I did force myself to learn about what possibly might be the correct diagnosis and then what might be the right treatment. That took a lot of time. First I didn't have a lot of good days when I could concentrate and learn and secondly, I had to learn how to get doctors to think outside of the box and be willing to take some of my suggestions. None of that happened over night or even remotely quickly.
 
 I also had to learn to set priorities. For example, as much as I wanted to lose weight, that had to go on the back burner and only now, after many yrs, am I having any success and I'm still far from being in shape (well round is a shape LOL) .

 As I got better I had to keep adding in more and more self help. I had to learn about my early warning signs and what I could do about them, I had to learn about my triggers and how to avoid them and I had to control my own life style.  Along the way I've managed to make a lot of new friends and that also has helped.

 But it all started with having a little hope for the future and doing what I could on my better days. I also had to remember that I was a good person with a bad illness and not a bad person with good excuses.  That also meant forgiving myself for some of my past mistakes and learning how not to feel bad about my current weaknesses.

 So please feel free to ask a lot of questions on here, answer other people's questions and/or use the forum to vent out some of life's frustrations.  Take Care. paul m

 
« Last Edit: March 05, 2015, 05:40:35 am by paulm »

LuckyLou

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Re: Motivation and Positivity?
« Reply #2 on: March 05, 2015, 07:23:58 am »
Paul has given some great advice so I don't have much to add. Don't beat yourself up some days just getting out of bed is an accomplishment when u have this illness. I've been there and know how awful it is I was fortunate to stumble across this forum at the right time and know it has helped immensely. Keep posting its good to not feel so alone.
Love is the reason!

Soozan

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Re: Motivation and Positivity?
« Reply #3 on: March 08, 2015, 10:16:31 pm »
Hi Lysta,

Welcome to the forum! I can so identify with how you are feeling! I was a single mom without a husband until 2 years ago when my daughter was 15 so I know what it's like to be a sole provider, I was a workaholic, and had a huge breakdown, I was diagnosed with bipolar 1 and now that I am medicated, I feel so much like you feel. I have no motivation other than sitting at my computer ( I work from  home doing computer graphics but on a more part time basis) and when I cook its the bare minimum, I still have to do chores but I am lucky if I can get the laundry done and keep myself showered. I am currently without a psychiatrist so I can't even get my meds adjusted because my gp won't mess with them so until I find another psychiatrist ( I fired mine.. he was an insensitive jerk) I can't get any help with adjusting them to give me more of a life if that is even possible .. I feel as if I am over medicated but who is to know ...

I am 150 lbs overweight and pretty much a shut in .. I have anxiety about going out and frankly am pretty apathetic about going out and being with people, I have friends on the net through my work but that's about it .. of course I am lucky to have a great husband ( I am lucky, he picks up my slack) and my daughter is a great girl too but she has to live her own life .. she is 18. I feel like I am just a shell of what I used to be ... even though I was hypomanic, I miss the happy go lucky me .. but I don't miss the side of me that was wreckless either and unfortunately we can't have both.

Please keep writing here... you are among friends and even though you may not have friends where you are .. you have friends here. My heart goes out to you.

- Soozan
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Lysta

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Re: Motivation and Positivity?
« Reply #4 on: March 11, 2015, 02:44:17 pm »
So I read these responses and I cried....and I cried a lot. It was like looking through a window to my own life and is probably the first time in years I haven't felt alone. Thank you so much for that.

I feel ridiculous even saying this but today has been a win for me. I was able to vacuum the hallway and living room. Once upon a time that would have been followed by doing the rest of the house but for today, I got up and did something that needed to be done so I'm calling it success :)

Soozan

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Re: Motivation and Positivity?
« Reply #5 on: March 12, 2015, 10:40:18 pm »
Hi Lysta!

That is a huge success! I have yet to vacuum in a while (oops did I say that out loud ) ... luckily the carpet "looks" clean enough I think that was a HUGE accomplishment! Treat yourself to something nice! You deserve it!

- Soozan
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