Author Topic: MDAO Comedy Show - my jokes!  (Read 2796 times)

Pleeb

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MDAO Comedy Show - my jokes!
« on: November 20, 2014, 04:29:01 PM »
My clean ones!   :-[   I love getting the audience to ask "how tough or how long" or whatever.

New Jokes for Christmas Show 2014  Peter Bessel
SET UP: My psychiatrist said I should be more spontaneous.
PUNCH: So I slapped him in the face and called him a salamander.

SET UP: I was asked to leave the MDAO support group.
PUNCH: I guess bitch slapping isn’t really providing support.

SET UP: My psychiatrist can be a little abrupt.
PUNCH: I asked him:  “Why I am worrying so much?”
He replies:  “Do I look like a f mindreader?”

SET UP: I hate jokes with no punch line.
PUNCH:

SET UP: I got my testosterone blood test results. 
               “Well, how is it?”
               PUNCH:   Your testosterone is pretty low, Priscilla....I mean   Peter!



SET UP:  I went to Medic Alert...told them all my problems.....can you made a bracelet for me?
PUNCH: They said a bracelet isn’t big enough....they made me a breastplate I were on my chest.

SET UP: I was so depressed.....
PUNCH: I thought watching executions on the North Korean Channel would cheer me up!
   

SET UP: My father said I was lazy and no good.....and a cry baby!
PUNCH: This is when I was three weeks old!


SET UP:  I was a breech baby, but sideways...
PUNCH:  You know how men are about asking directions.
 

PUNCH: I like scaring my cat.....
SETUP: by doing a vacuum cleaner impression.



SET UP:  I’ve read a couple of times that your ears and nose continue to grow as you get older.

PUNCH:  I didn’t always look like a giant rat!  The other day I’m walking down the street and a gang of
 
tough cats walked in my direction.  They were really tough.  (audience:  how tough?) Some of them had

 tattoos, like “F your Litterbox!” “Dogs drool, cats rule.” They were really tough (audience:  how tough?)

 Some of them had metal studs in their tails.  They were really tough. (audience: how tough?)  They didn’t

 meow like this:  “meow....meow”  They meowed like this:  “f meow....f meow.” The leader had scars and a black patch over his eye.

The leader: (high pitched voice) – “Lookit the size of that rat.....let’s get him, boys!”
I was scared shitless, but quick thinking:  I yelled loudly “Here, rover!”....they took off, looking over their shoulders at me.....what a close call!


SET UP:  I was so mad when a fellow patient stole my lunch......
PUNCH:  It was (my usual?) 3 Prozac sliders.

SET UP:   Growing old is the pits……
PUNCH:  The only person I could possibly date is Betty White’s older sister.  Her name’s Wrinkleinna.  Near sighted people at the supermarket mistake her for a prune.

SET UP:  I’d make a good family therapist....
PUNCH:   Because of life experiences: I’ve been married 6 times...2 of those were to guys....one of those was to a burro in Mexico...one of those was to Anne Murray.

SET UP:   Growing older is the pits because.......
PUNCH:   ....................................

SETUP: I’m trying a new antidepressant....works great!
 PUNCH: It’s called “Breaking Sad.” 

SETUP: When I was a kid, the other kids made fun of my braces.....
PUNCH: The braces on my head.....
..
 SETUP: When I was a kid, the other kids made fun of my Medic Alert bracelet....
PUNCH: The one stapled to my forehead.

 
SET UP:  When I was in school, my nickname was “cave boy.”
PUNCH:   That’s how long ago I was in school.  I couldn’t wait to turn 16 so I could get my dinosaur licence.

SET UP:   My family doesn’t understand mood disorders, and they’re very Old World, old school.
PUNCH:  “To get rid of your depression, eat a nice, heaping bowl of squirrel stew.....works every time!”  (“put a handful of Caesar salad on top of your head for three hours”?)

SETUP:   I don’t say much, usually....
 PUNCH:  I can’t – I always have a about 10 meds in my mouth.
           
   
SET UP: Just out of curiousity, anyone here around my age, 67?

PUNCH:  If so, raise your white bony, bloodless arm with a claw on the end of it, please.  Or get your personal care worker to raise it for you.


SET UP: My psychiatrist said I should stand up for myself, not let people walk over me.

PUNCH:   Pretty hard to avoid having people walk all over me when I’m grovelling on the ground all day!

PUNCH:  I asked my psychiatrist:  “What can I do about my social phobia?”
“Beats me!”
Huh!
“At psychiatry school, you have to pass 5 out of 6 courses.  I failed social phobia.  Got any questions about compulsive hand washing, on the other hand?”

SETUP:   My psychiatrist says the best way to minimize my depression….
 PUNCH:  Is to maximize my anxiety.
       
           
SETUP:  I hate movies – I prefer real life.
 
PUNCH: You’ll see me walking down the street, eating popcorn, applauding, crying sometimes.

 
SET UP: I was barred from this bar once.

PUNCH:   After I had 14 Budweisers, I tried to pick a fight with my reflection in the bathroom mirror.


SETUP:   I told my psychiatrist I’m talking to myself more lately.
 PUNCH:  He says:  “Tell yourself to shut up.”
       
           
SETUP:  I dropped another psychiatrist after one session.
 
PUNCH: She asked me too many personal questions.

 
SET UP: I’m recruiting for my new cult.

PUNCH:   You worship me, and give me money.
                I give you insight into worship and money!

SETUP:   Since my lobotomy………
 PUNCH:  …..

           
SET UP: In high school my nickname was “Worthless Piece of Pond Scum,

PUNCH:   What’s worse, my principal gave me that nickname….no wonder I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist for 23 years!











LuckyLou

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Re: MDAO Comedy Show - my jokes!
« Reply #1 on: November 21, 2014, 07:03:35 AM »
thanks for sharing the laughs! I needed that today! You are going to knock em dead with those jokes!
Love is the reason!

Dragonfly

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Re: MDAO Comedy Show - my jokes!
« Reply #2 on: November 21, 2014, 04:02:09 PM »
Hi Peter,

Great jokes! You will have everyone laughing. I certainly did.

Dragonfly  :-*

paulm

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Re: MDAO Comedy Show - my jokes!
« Reply #3 on: November 22, 2014, 12:47:38 AM »
Hello Peter. Great Jokes, I know that you will do well as always. Take Care. paul m

Pleeb

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Re: MDAO Comedy Show - my jokes!
« Reply #4 on: November 25, 2014, 10:39:41 PM »
Thanks!  Thought of something - when the tough cats do "f.... meow!"...they should have cigarettes hanging from their lips....  Now I gotta borrow a cigarette....or, find a fake one at Yonge street gag store.....one that has a long ash hanging on it....LOL


Peter

If teacher approves the above.

Pleeb

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Re: MDAO Comedy Show - my jokes!
« Reply #5 on: November 30, 2014, 11:06:27 PM »
We do our own introductions.  I chose something like:

"I never realized Peter was an alien......him eating uranium sandwiches in class should've been a tip off!"

I sometimes post stuff to hopefully get a laff/improve my mood.

Peter :-*

Pleeb

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Re: MDAO Comedy Show - my jokes!
« Reply #6 on: November 30, 2014, 11:07:25 PM »
I've never tried "attach" - does it work o.k.?

Peter

paulm

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Re: MDAO Comedy Show - my jokes!
« Reply #7 on: December 01, 2014, 10:31:11 PM »
Hello Peter. Try and open this attachment. Take Care. paul m

Pleeb

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Re: MDAO Comedy Show - my jokes!
« Reply #8 on: December 02, 2014, 11:06:12 PM »
I think it works......tx PB