Author Topic: I am so ashamed of myself  (Read 2863 times)

Dragonfly

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I am so ashamed of myself
« on: November 05, 2014, 11:59:07 AM »
My son and daughter-in-law and my two grandchildren came to pick something up at my house. My eldest daughter was there also.

The tension between my son and daughter-in-law was super high. They had been fighting. They do this a lot.

My son is under a lot of stress. He is a labor foreman working on the new huge hospital in Humber. He has a crew that he has to instruct and about 12 supervisors who want things done. He gets very frustrated and takes what happens on the job home with him.

The grandkids were acting up a lot. They seemed to feel the tension. I don't know what was going on with my son but he  was staring at me and wouldn't drop his gaze. I was trying to talk to him about something and he wouldn't answer. He kept doing this staring thing. He just said he was extremely tired. I was frustrated and started shaking him. My granddaughter started shaking me. I told my family to get the grandchildren out of the room and I was going to beat my son up. I don't know what came over me.

At the present I think I am hypomanic. My pdoc is weening me off lithium by very little amounts. I am almost off of it. Need to get off. My kidneys are not functioning well. That is no excuse for attacking my son. Mind is racing. Want to do everything at once. Am having terrible dreams.

I am  very worried about my son. I phoned him a few times. Nothing unusual. I apologized twice for my actions. My son said it didn't matter. I said it does matter. It frigthens me. What am I capable of doing to people?

Extremely upset.

Dragonfly

paulm

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Re: I am so ashamed of myself
« Reply #1 on: November 06, 2014, 03:31:28 AM »
Hello Dragonfly. I can't give you any good advice, other than you may want to talk to your pdoc about it. When my mind races it's a pretty good indicator that I'm a bit manic

 I don't shake people when I get really upset, but I have punched a few fridges in my day when really frustrated/anxious/mixed states/manic and/or shot my mouth off when I shouldn't have.

 Nowadays when I start getting a bit manic I start taking inventory. What's changed in my life, are my meds different, are my stresses more, am I lacking sleep and the list goes on.

 While I do need meds I can also help to control my moods some by figuring out what is causing my change in mood. In your case, it may be a change in med and perhaps you need something different to replace the lithium. You definitely are not getting a quality sleep and perhaps you and your pdoc can address that problem too. I'm currently discussing the same sleep problem with my pdoc and looking for solutions.

 You have been under a lot of stress lately. First you lost your husband, then you had to learn how to live without him as he was a great support. Those are two huge stressors that don't go away quickly. Plus I'm sure that you have had a lot of other stress in your life lately. Once again, perhaps your pdoc or a counsellor can help.

 You have mentioned that your son has been bringing his work home with him. Unfortunately many people do this and it's a leading cause of divorce. However you cannot do or say anything to your son that will make him change his mind about his job.All you can do is be there for him and offer advice if and when he wants it

 He probably hates his job, but won't leave it because of how much money he makes and that is his right. However all you can do is be there for him and realize that he probably feels caught. He cant quit his job, because he can't find another one that pays as much and he can't take a lessor paying job as he probably feels he needs all that he makes to support his family. I'm just guessing here, but it is common.

 We all worry about our children, but sometimes we have to let them make their own mistakes. I know that at times I would like to shake my son, and that if I'm not careful I can end up worrying too much about him and all that does is make me sick.

  If anyone thinks I preaching or got it all figured out, please refer to my dented fridge remarks. 

 So don't be embarrassed anymore. You were embarrassed shortly after it happened, you've apologized for your actions and that is all that you can do. You can't change the past. Believe me I've done more than a few embarrassing things and if we could change the past, I would have.

 However you can look at your future in a more positive light. Your son doesn't appear upset with you, you can take stock of all the stressors in your life and try to eliminate some of them(you will never eliminate them all) and you can talk to your pdoc.  Especially stress, bad dreams and getting a good nights sleep.

 Remember you are a good person and even good people have problems. Those of with bipolar have a few more problems. Personanally I don't think that you are capable of doing much harm to people. You had an uncharacteristic episode brought on by a variety of factors and you are smart enough to be worried and embarrassed about it. If you were neither worried nor embarrassed then that would be a different situation. Take Care. paul m

LuckyLou

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Re: I am so ashamed of myself
« Reply #2 on: November 06, 2014, 06:02:36 AM »
HI
I agree with Paul completely. You have done what you can to make the situation better by apologizing. Hopefully your pdoc can offer some assistance. You will need to be honest with him about how you are feeling and the incident with your son. I would think coming off lithium can cause withdrawal symptoms and you may need a replacement drug. Like Paul said you have had a lot of stress lately and this maybe the cause of some of your symptoms. I hope things get better for you!
Love is the reason!

Dragonfly

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Re: I am so ashamed of myself
« Reply #3 on: November 06, 2014, 09:45:04 PM »
Thank you Paul & LuckyLou for your kind words.

I saw my caseworker today. It was a scheduled visit. I told her about my behaviour with my son. She realizes that how I reacted to my son was not the right way to handle the situation. She told me to watch my emotions especially around the grandkids. My caseworker feels that it is all the stress I have been under. She does not think it has anything to do with the withdrawal from the lithium. That was too long ago. She will inform my pdoc of what is going on. I will see her and my pdoc soon. I can and do phone my caseworker when I am having problems.

My son and I have a very close relationship. He came to me tonight. He came to me to complain about his wife. I let him say what he wanted to to get it off his chest. I told my son I could not take sides. He has to work it out with his wife. My son and I have to be careful what we say around the grandkids. They have big ears. My granddaughter was already asking questions. I had to gloss over it.

 He likes the type of work he does. He does not like being foreman.

I will try not to worry about my kids too much. You are right Paul it can make you sick.

Dragonfly

paulm

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Re: I am so ashamed of myself
« Reply #4 on: November 10, 2014, 12:04:43 AM »
Hello Dragonfly. Your son is lucky to have you. When my illness was causing my wife and I great problems, my mother always sided with my wife, as did most of my relatives.

 Unfortunately when siding with one person or the other sometimes well intentioned people can make problems worse. Especially when they haven't heard the other half of the story.

 I'm like you and I listen to my son, but I won't take sides.

 In regards to his kids.  Kids aren't stupid and most are quite clever, but they have little wisdom. So they tend to listen and come to the wrong conclusions or talk to other kids at school and receive bad information. However if an adult takes the time to explain about illnesses, marriages, stresses on the job etc in a way they can understand, children are pretty at soaking in the good info.

 I hope that you feel better soon. Take Care. paul m

paul

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Re: I am so ashamed of myself
« Reply #5 on: November 10, 2014, 11:52:34 AM »

My son is under a lot of stress. He is a labor foreman working on the new huge hospital in Humber. He has a crew that he has to instruct and about 12 supervisors who want things done.





 YOu should be saying that there are 12 supervisors that are ONLY looking out for their BONUSES and NOTHING else.

 That is the TRUTH around the construction industry. The guys who do NOTHING and collect bonuses give the foreman a hard time who in turn provoke the laborers.

Dragonfly

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Re: I am so ashamed of myself
« Reply #6 on: November 11, 2014, 12:20:36 PM »
Hi Paul,

I admit that I make a lot of stress for myself. My expectations are too high sometimes. I end up paying for that.

I am trying not to be too judgemental of people. The family on my side had a family reunion. Usually when I get home from these parties I analyse what has been said to me and by whom. Listen to conversations and think they did that. I am trying to keep an open mind and think these people are different then me. That is their life and not mine.

Paul does your wife still side with your mother in situations? It is sometimes difficult for people to realize as you said what is truly going on when you are sick and even if you are not.

My parents fought a lot when I lived at home. I hated that. My mother used the kids to get back at my father. As a kid you take sides with either one or the other. Like you say that brings on more problems.

That is really good advice about talking to the kids about what is going on. About stresses,illness, etc.

Yes, I am starting to feel better. I sometimes forget my limitations. Other people think I can do things that they do. When I say I am not up to that some say I am sure you can. They have no idea what my life is really like and I am sure I don't know what they go through.

Thanks Paul!  :-*

paulm

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Re: I am so ashamed of myself
« Reply #7 on: November 13, 2014, 11:36:34 PM »
Hello Dragonfly. Unfortunately my mother was like your husband and passed too soon,her passing was  probably caused by second hand smoke as she was not a smoker and she died of lung cancer.

 However my mother was a good lady, just a little misguided by her old fashion beliefs about a mental illness. Plus as you have heard me say here many times before my wife is a wonderful person. I've never met anyone who doesn't like her.  Not that my wife tries to be liked, she just has that special mix of qualities that allows her to get along with everyone. (I wish I did). So it was easy for my mother to like my wife and wonder at times what kind of monster she had given birth too. Especially during those really dark years when I was constantly bad tempered and spent every penny we had and a few that didn't belong to me.

 So in hindsight it was easy for my mother to side with my wife. It wasn't the right course of action on her part and it caused a lot of problems, but hindsight is 20-20

 The proper course of action would have been to either go with me to the psychiatrist or encourage my wife to go with me to see the doctor and to tell him what my real symptoms were. I can't speak for anyone else, but when I was manic I had a certain tendency to lie to my doctor.

 She could have also told my wife that something had to be seriously wrong as I hadn't been that way all of my life(my wife could have realized that too) But again hindsight is 20-20. Plus we are talking the 90's here and even the doctor didn't realize that by giving me anti depressants he kept on a drug induced manic episode that lasted a few yrs. So would the doctor have admitted that he was making a mistake?

 I'm glad that you are feeling better and I wish you luck with your son and your grandchildren as I know that you love them all dearly and that you just want what is best for them. Take Care. paul m