Thank you for the support guys
Peace, I am glad that you are taking things into your own hands and wish I had that type of strength. You will be my inspiration for today. Also my dad doesn't have a clue about mental health and the things he has said in the past about why I do things or why things turn out a certain way have been quite hurtful. I feel you.
I've re-astablished a dialogue with my ex. He is open to seeing me and talking as long as I remain dignified. My addiction is more or less under control. It gets in the way though when I give in - but I try to use my failure as a lesson. The loneliness is overwhelming but I try to deal with it like a healthy person. Keeping a safe distance from my ex also reduces the chances of my freaking out I guess. I think having an ASD just makes everything seem like a bigger deal than it actually is so I try to keep that in mind. It is not much comfort though when my mind and heart are taking me places I don't really have complete control over. People say we can move on, that horrible things happen in our lives and we just find the strength to deal with it. Yet I am sure I will not recover from this.
My mother has ptsd and my dad doesnt understand but they have been able to maintain a loving, although flawed relationship. I think communication is a big factor and even "healthy" people do not communicate properly. For example. In rehab I learned that we need to own our emotions and make that clear when we talk to other people. Saying "you made me feel..." is considered a big no no since technically no one can "make" you feel a certain way. Like when I fly off the handle and I say "you made me feel like..." it's bad communication because
1 - I am probably exaggerating and/or not dealing/owning my emotions.
2 - the other person becomes defensive from the onset because they are being blamed for something
3 - the actual issue gets lost