Author Topic: Getting past the nihilism  (Read 1259 times)

jackal

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Getting past the nihilism
« on: March 20, 2017, 12:11:02 PM »
Hi everyone,

This will be my first post on this forum so I'd like to preemptively apologize for making it such a dark one.

I'm rather at my wits' end and have been for a while. This seems like the only place where I might come across people who actually understand what goes on in my head.

Having said that, I'll try and get to the point. Let me first say that I'm not presently in any sort of "crisis" so to speak. I'm not about to do anything dramatic or that I haven't thought through. Quite to the contrary, if anything, I think things through for far too long.

So in a nutshell, my question is how can one surmount the nihilism that often accompanies depression and bipolar disorder? In my particular situation, I've gotten to a point where the only lasting motivation to live is the prospect that dying would be horrible or even worse. That's pretty grim I realize, but I have put an incredible amount of thought into this.

How do I get out of this mindset? For context, I'm in my early 30's and I've been fighting depression my entire life, and was diagnosed bipolar while in university. I see a psychiatrist regularly and take my medication as prescribed. This only seems to help on the surface though. The conclusion I mentioned above isn't something that came to mind on a whim while in a manic state, rather it's the fruit of considerable analysis and thinking.

I'm sure there are at least some users of this forum that have found themselves in a similar situation. How have you gotten past it. Or have you gotten past it at all?

I'm really hoping someone can give me a new perspective on this.

paulm

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Re: Getting past the nihilism
« Reply #1 on: March 20, 2017, 11:38:12 PM »
Hello Jackal and welcome.  I haven't wanted to live several times and twice I tried very hard not to life, but was unsuccessful (obviously) . I don't know you so anything that follows may not apply to you or perhaps you have tried it all and none of my suggestions worked. However no matter what I say it isn't intended as a criticism of you or anyone else. Also I have no medical credentials of any sort.

 I found that medications and psychiatrists could only make me stable, they couldn't make me happy. First a word on medications. I wasted yrs taking medications that didn't work very well. I wasn't trying to commit suicide and I wasn't being overly manic so as far as the shrink was concerned I was a success story. The fact that I had no life, didn't seem to bother him.  So I started slowly working on getting him to change some of it.

 With the help of various support groups and a lot of reading (when I could) I learned that medication alone would not make be whole. I still take medication, but I also learned a lot about my illness (bipolar 1 & anxieties) I learned what my triggers were and how to avoid them, I learned what my early warning signs were and what action to take to correct my mood swing. I learned about the importance of diet, exercise , doing something meaningful, sleep , how to relax (well I'm still working on that one) and a host of other things that all affect my moods.

 When I say doing something meaningful, that is different for everyone. For me it is volunteering, but I had to start out pretty slow at that at first too.

 My life has gone from being not too enjoyable, pretty lousy in fact, to the point where I enjoy getting up most days. Nothing happened overnight and it was a long journey, but I'm glad that i made it.

 Please feel free to ask questions, answer other people's questions and/or use this forum to vent out a few of life's frustrations. Take Care. paul m

jackal

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Re: Getting past the nihilism
« Reply #2 on: March 21, 2017, 08:05:06 AM »
Hi Paul,

Thanks for your reply. I can relate to a lot of what you said. For one thing, the medication has for the most part kept me on an even footing, but as you said, it alluded to, it doesn't really leave me feeling very alive either.

I do realize that there are certain other things that can make a difference as you mentioned. For one, I use to be very active sports-wise until I got out of university. I kept running almost daily for some time but after a while, as with most of these non-medicinal remedies, I either lose interest or motivation or both.

In short it just seems like there's too much you need to tackle to keep on top. For example, I used to frequent the pub far too much for someone with my condition. But with a lot (a LOT) of hard work and help from my doc, I managed to overcome this. Only that instead of it feeling like a victory, which I keep having to remind myself it is, it rather feels like I've just barely scratched the surface.

The various sources I've read about my situation usually mention the same basic approaches to feeling better. Namely, taking your meds (check), not drinking (let's put that at 95%), eating healthy (this is where it starts to breakdown; while I don't eat much junk food, I also can't seem to get myself to have breakfast regularly, or cook much, it just feels too taxing), exercise (again here, it's sustaining any sort of routine that seems impossible; during this time of year, I will often get back into talking walks, or even running/cycling, but inevitably, they just end up being a chore more than an enjoyable activity, and of course, by the time winter rolls back around the bend, you can forget about getting me out of the house).

Lastly, there's another "addiction" that if I'm honest about it, probably doesn't help me, and I'm staring at it right now (my PC). I got my first computer when I was 3 years old (well ok, my dad got it, but I definitely used it more than he ever did) and if anyone has grown up in tandem with the Internet, it's me. Of course I've gained a great deal from this for sure, but at the same time, I probably spend upwards of 80% of my waking hours staring at a monitor (if I include my phone). In other words, instead of focusing my energy on something good for my health, I fall in this trap where I don't have to deal with anyone that I don't want to, I can speak only to those I wish to, I have access to the world, but the world can't get to me, etc...

What has helped you guys when it comes to motivation? Especially when it comes to staying motivated?

Stenacron man

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Re: Getting past the nihilism
« Reply #3 on: March 22, 2017, 12:50:49 AM »
You can never go as dark as I have gone, your not alone at all. All humans have a dark side they just wish to not explore it. Me on the other hand think it should be talked about more. Talk therapy in a site like this is good it helps others realise they are not alone. I lived on the dark side of the moon for 20 years with chronic thought's of torturing terrorist since 9/11 and daily suicide from the loss of a child. As long as you FEAR death than suicide is not an option cause we fear the unknown.