Author Topic: My story - a cautionary tale  (Read 4656 times)

messee

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My story - a cautionary tale
« on: March 06, 2015, 03:42:28 PM »
Just need this to be out there for people.  Younger people in particular.

I went on antidepressants in '98.  I was near the end of university at age 29, got bummed out and freaked out at what I was going to do with my life, dissatisfied with my marriage of 2 years.  Started on Paxil, didn't get much in the way of therapy.

The real deal is I was misguided, refusing to accept some realities of life (like the realities of work and the labour market, and how hard people really have to work, and the fact they need to keep doing it without much of a break).

I've been on antidepressants since, through therapies, including mindfulness (which came closest to 'working' -- though I had somehow still failed to comprehend some crucial things about being independent, working with, getting along with other people, things I should have seen but somehow couldn't or could not accept).

I held jobs long enough along the way to convince me I was OK; remarried and now have a wonderful son.  Last year, a wave of family stresses culminated in relations between my surviving family of origin on one side, and my wife and I on the other.  My lack of impulse control and interpersonal relationship problems had in the interim damaged my career a great deal.  My lack of impulse control has also led to me having a huge debt and no savings to speak of.

All of it disrupted me enough that I eventually went off work ill, and then on to LTD at the recommendation of a CAMH psychiatrist.  I think he was right that going back to work would have been impractical . . .  It's unlikely I'll be able to return to that position.

A therapist I started with last fall has done me some good with DBT and interpersonal therapy.  And I realized a lot of things I had been told even ten years ago that just hadn't sunk in.

 This is a caveat for others.  I don't have a delusional disorder, but I have / had delusions of grandeur and similar things, which combined with other things have led me and my family to a cliff face.  I know there are others out there worse off than us in a lot of ways . .  . I should be grateful -- the lack of which was part of the problem all along.  Regardless if this saves anyone some pain, I want it out there.

All of this matches 'depression' . . .  and I have a family history, but I don't think the problem is organic . . . I think more than anything I'm pigheaded.   I want things to be just so, and they simply are not and never will be; I cannot accept it and I destroy myself in the process.   Maybe it's equivalent to a personality disorder, ultimately -- but all the diagnoses are almost irrelevant. 

What I'm trying to get at is that I hope people will take the WRAP idea about personal responsibility very seriously.   Only you can heal yourself . . . medicine has very limited tools, it can't fix you.

messee

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Re: My story - a cautionary tale
« Reply #1 on: March 09, 2015, 10:40:40 AM »
Have also recognized that my working skills are woefully out of date already.  Cannot believe I've been living in a dream state for so long.

Soozan

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Re: My story - a cautionary tale
« Reply #2 on: March 14, 2015, 03:27:56 PM »
Thank you for sharing your story messee I am sure it will help a lot of people. I agree with you about taking personal responsibility. Having bipolar 1, that is the one with delusions and mania, (so perhaps I shouldn't be commenting here but I felt compelled to do so)  I burned a lot of professional bridges and had to start my life over many times and I was in denial of my illness for many years. I just attributed it to being overworked etc.

Each time, there was only so much the "system" could do and I had to climb out of my own hole many times and it took a lot of determination and hard work. The last time, was the worst experience of my life and I did everything I could to get better. I reached out to any program I could as well as stuck to a regimen of medication. I hope to never go back there again. Now I limit the amount of work I do and like you, in my field the technology has much surpassed my knowledge but thankfully I have found a niche that I can still do and I can make some income although its not a full time gig.

I wish you well on your road to recovery!

- Soozan
« Last Edit: March 14, 2015, 03:30:34 PM by Soozan »
Deep, meaningful saying goes here... got one?

Pleeb

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Re: My story - a cautionary tale
« Reply #3 on: May 06, 2015, 09:41:10 PM »
Quote
WRAP idea about personal responsibility very seriously.   Only you can heal yourself . . . medicine has very limited tools, it can't fix you.

Maybe medication "can't fix you," but it helps along the way.

Maybe I would think about relatives having attempted suicide all day if I wasn't on meds?  The attempted suicides would be hard for one to "process" on one's one.....like me.

Messee, this is society in general....not you.  Middle class people and/or people with B.A.'s forget that here are lots of people without B.A.s who aren't articulate enough to express their problems....aren't great at reading.....would be helped more by meds than therapy.

Also, a lot of elderly people don't "take" to therapy - meds would help them more.


Peter